"Nobody was trying to do anything malicious. We just
optimized too much."
JANPIETER SCHEERDER, SunSoft President, after Sun were
caught cheating in the Java compiler benchmarks
...and if it's too fast, it's not Pure Java (tm)
>> HARD NEWS <<
short fuse
It's rare that hexadecimal turns out to be so viciously
onomatopoeic. The "F00F" bug, revealed on newsgroups last
Friday, is just four bytes which, executed by a Pentium,
freeze the chip and snap the spine of even the most heavily
defended Intel-based operating system (oh yes, Linux too).
Most of the technical press nobly chose not to reveal the
final two bytes, confident in the knowledge that h/\c<er
d00dz would never spend ten seconds at DejaNews discovering
that it's "C7C8". Meanwhile, INTEL's bunny-suited
spokespeople fed clueless hacks bizarre reassurances that
it was not a problem - and even if it was, it wasn't
Intel's. The NY Times reported that "the problem appears to
be a virus affecting processor performance, rather than a
flaw in the chip" (phew - it's only a *self-replicating*
defect), while one Intel rep executed the evergreen "Push
Problem To Source" command, claiming "that the flaw was
found by an Intel competitor looking for undocumented
instructions on the chip". Gad, how low can people sink?
(The F00F bug, needless to say, does not occur in any
competing Pentium clones.)
http://people.delphi.com/gjc/crashme.html
- PowerPC and ARM users! Get famous! Find your own bug!
http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/L.Wood/IE4res/
- Combine F00F and the new IE4.0 bug to crash your PC remotely
"Was that it?", APPLE's European PowerPC product manager was
said to mutter after Steve Jobs's world-shaking press
conference on Monday. And it was. The big three announcements,
relayed live to Apple offices around the world were: brand new
super 233Mhz+ PowerPC machines (great!), super new direct-
selling Apple Web Store (note: American orders only), and
incredible new customised manufacturing scheme (not available
outside the US). We're assuming this is Apple's ongoing
punishment of "the countries for the rest of us" for sending
them Jean-Louis Gassee.
http://www.apple.com Cute accent. Are you from France?
http://www.macosrumors.com
- "misguided and inaccurate information" - Wall Street Journal
There are, sadly, some news stories that are so
unbelievable, or so depressing, that even we are obliged to
deliver them in a gratingly trivial funny-back-page-of-
technical-mag style. Here goes. "Item! EASYNET received
15,000 copies of their latest client software from the
pressing plant this week, all ready for the Christmas rush.
Imagine their seasonal delight when the packaged CDs were
found to contain, not a full ISP connection kit, but copies
of David Essex's Christmas Hits. Elsewhere, rumours
knocking around top nobs in the new media community suggest
that a sizeable chunk of MSN UK's staff are in for a *very*
nasty Xmas bonus. Ho, Ho, Ho!" Now, where's the Dettol?
http://www.headland.co.uk/war-of-the-worlds/biogs/essex.html
- Halt! Oo goes there?
http://www.uk.msn.com/ Bill knows who's naughty and nice
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
BT to re-launch ISDN - again... still no definitive
evidence that cell phones cause health problems, cautious
scientists repeat slowly... HOTWIRED's "RGB Gallery"
showcases art from - two HotWired designers... Shetland
links case settled during 3 hour wait for court Net
connection to work... DAILY MAIL blasts Carmaggeddon as
"sickest ever" video game... "New Zealand man confesses to
filming up thousands of skirts" - Nando Infotech... Future
Publishing's new business mag, INTERNET.WORKS, fails to
register internetworks.com, settles for appalling iwks.com
instead... ICA's tortuous BroadVision Website at
www.mediacentre.com not Y2K compliant... LARA CROFT actress
still "not fired - just not doing many promo appearances"
in week of TR2 launch... FILM THREAT WEEKLY back again,
ditto the (weirdly similar) CINEZINE... MICROSOFT tells DOJ
they knew they were going to integrate browser in late 1993
- this would be around the time "Blackbird" was going to
replace HTML, right, Bill?... Myst-sequel RIVEN will not
debut with "blockbuster sales", warn BRODERBUND... animated
GIFs on Microsoft site created with MAC SHAREWARE...
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
stick that in your cronjob
Could next week's COMDEX be the dullest yet? Tough call,
but by concentrating on the industry's core areas of tedium
(networking software, Windows CE palmtops and the latest
mousemats) the Las Vegas exhibition looks to have beaten
even its own sanity-shattering records. Check out the line-
up: keynote speakers include NOVELL and CISCO CEOs, a beta
of Microsoft Exchange '98 is promised, Web TV technology
showcases - oh, the non-attractions are (perceptually)
endless. You're better off staying at home (like you could
afford to go anyway) and ordering the *only* decent new
Comdex product by mail: that'll be, of course, Rocky
Mountain Traders's "Monimals" - the Damien-Hirst-like
computer accessory that "turns monitors into sheeps, cows,
lions and moose." (0171 631 0707 for more details).
http://www.comdex.com
- time to trot out the "porn flick awards" stories again.
>> TRACKING <<
look, over there! The Goodyear Blimp!
Remember when Microsoft pointed out that if MS IE4.0 was
not Java Compliant, you should see what Netscape's Java
Machine did to the test suite? And everyone went "shut up,
shut up", because they knew it was true? Well, the new 4.04
release NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR fixes that problem. The bugs
are still there, naturally (what would a commercial browser
be without them?). But they have rather sweetly removed the
Java logo from the About... screen. View Source gives the
sheepish explanation...
ftp://ftp.netscape.com/pub/communicator/4.04/shipping/english/
http://www.operasoftware.com
- buggy, bit amateurish, but tiny - and a bit more honest
The name of PC Zone journo, warez apologist and 1995 UK
Doom Champion DAVID MCCANDLESS may sound a bit like David
McAlmont, but his self-pressed debut album sounds more like
David Byrne's Oasis tribute band doing novelty Radiohead
cover versions - in a good way, of course. True to his
geekazoid roots, McCandless has recorded the whole thing,
Jyoti-Mishra-style, on his bedroom PC for about 130 quid -
though, disappointingly, the catchy title track, "Smoother
And Faster", appears to be some sort of love song, rather
than a celebration of the improved performance of the Quake
2 graphics engine.
http://www.wakeywakey.com/
- UKP6.99. Ask for a copy of his "TrekMaster" book, too
http://wwww.hotwired.com/wired/5.04/warez/
- those MP3 demons coming home to roost now, eh Macca?
Sticking for the moment with the UK's first-person-
shooterati, NTK is always reassured to see net journos
veering wildly off their usual subjects, as ZDNet's "First
Lady Of Quake", CAL JONES, has managed for two weeks in a
row now. But when the digressions take the form of detailed
accounts of state-of-the-art rollercoaster tech (including
the Intamin Eurostar, the Togo Ultratwister, and Alton
Towers' upcoming Secret Weapon 4) - who's complaining?
Beats the (somewhat less thrilling) ups and downs of the PC
games biz every time.
http://www1.zdnet.com/cgwuk/cal/cal10.html
http://www1.zdnet.com/cgwuk/cal/cal11.html
- imagine some sort of Dune-like parallel universe, where, in a
strategic alliance between House Dennis and The Ziff-Davis
Imperium, Cal Jones was forced to marry David McCandless, to
produce THE ULTIMATE QUAKE-CHILD. Just a thought...
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
do the brownian motion... Steve Jobs for CEO - of SGI, that
is... www.henson.com - to work with PSYGNOSIS?...
APOCALYPSE CLARKSON... "Spam is good for the net - it
teaches newbies about regular expressions"... spot today's
crashes at www.mae.net/east.stats.html ... ALT tags: the
New Content... BANDAI founder Naoharu Yamashina dies - at a
record 17 days old... Fire International's ERAZER MP5...
memo to ICA: putting shouty poets next to SPARCstations and
painted-over Doom screendumps does not constitute "art"...
www.affection.net/~jamesc/bettyford/ ... is that a GameBoy
POCKET MONSTER in your trousers, or are Nintendo just
pleased to sell something?... new PIXAR short, Geri's Game,
is an old man playing chess, and *not* another sodding
Spice Girls spin-off... Judge Zobel "nobbled" by EDWARD
WOODWARD (aka The Equaliser)?... HYPER YO-YOS... live
PARAPPA-fans' rap contest in Tokyo... character based on
Cherie BLAIR in STREETFIGHER EX PLUS?... fanfic of the
week: www.angelfire.com/sc/screamlouder/ ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
inter-inactive entertainment
TV >> Nice Painter, Suits You, Check-out Girl - the only
thing they don't have is a sketch with two guys constantly
repeating their favourite catchphrases from the FAST SHOW
(9.30pm, Fri, BBC2) - though, on second thoughts, that
could apply to all of them... as if a triple bill of the
repetitive MAN FROM UNCLE (BBC2, Sat) wasn't insane enough,
the first starts at 7am, the last at 2.35... Christmas
comes early with SCROOGED (9pm, Sat, BBC1), a surprisingly
good Bill Murray/ Lee Majors comedy (and there's something
you can't say every day)... even compared to "new" You've
Been Framed, AS SEEN ON TV (11.20am, Sun, BBC2) is still
the best camcorder show of all time... weirdly, it isn't
just a repeat (or even a re-CGI'd "Special Edition"), but a
total remake of BBC perennial THE PHOENIX AND THE CARPET
(5pm, Sun, BBC2) - though unlikely to match the bawdy
frolics of period drama TOM JONES (9pm, Sun, BBC1), with
Brian Blessed in full "Gordon's *alive*?" form... here's
hoping the (more entertaining) "M" variant gets equal time
when THE SOUTH BANK SHOW (10.50pm, Sun, ITV) profiles Iain
Banks... sparks will fly as MOVERS AND SHAKERS (8pm, Mon,
C4) looks at Scalextric fans, while EQUINOX (9pm, Mon, C4)
discovers another exciting interviewee (a 96-year-old
survivor of the Tunguska explosion), in an edition
prosaically entitled "The Day The Earth Got Hit"... surely
Jennifer "Rachel from Friends" Aniston can maintain the
level of swearing one has come to expect from THE LARRY
SANDERS SHOW (11.40pm, Tue, BBC2)?... forget scientologist
L Ron Hubbard's SECRET LIVES (Wed, 9pm, C4) - how did he
manage to publish several huge sci-fi novels several years
after his "death"?... Eric Bogosian plays an out-of-control
shock-jock in TALK RADIO (9pm, Thu, C5), arguably Oliver
Stone's most watchable movie (and you don't hear that too
often either)...
MOVIES >> GI JANE (imdb: action / drama / navy / commando /
training / feminism / prejudice) is by far the most
viciously sadistic film of the year, maybe even enough to
make you forgive Demi Moore for The Scarlet Letter and
Striptease?... everyone seems to love Kevin Smith's
fanboy/lesbian romance CHASING AMY (imdb: romance /
jealousy / friendship / love / comics / lesbian / gay /
comedy / hockey / sexuality / foul-language / vulgarity /
lesbian-scene / drama) - though it's not as unpleasantly
funny as his magnum opus, Clerks... from 1992, the re-
released FULL CONTACT (imdb: action) is probably for the
more dedicated fans of Ringo Lam, Chow Yun-Fat, Hong Kong
chop-socky (or Quentin Tarantino)... making this week's
out-of-nowhere surprise recommendation the lamer-vs-Kramer
courtroom farce TRIAL AND ERROR (imdb: comedy) - with
Michael Richards (from Seinfeld), Rip Torn (from Larry
Sanders), and, er, the same director as the Sgt Bilko movie
and Nuns On The Run...
MEAL REPLACEMENT PRODUCTS >> NTK's "f00d d00d" Ben Moor
reports that WRIGLEY'S new menthol/eucalyptus chewing gum,
AIRWAVES, has a total nutritional content of "almost zero"
(across all categories), and bears the small-print warning
"Excessive consumption may produce laxative effects". All
in all, a big thumbs-up then, apart from the product's
taste - "like sucking radio"... we don't know what scared
us more: a) BURGEN bread with "added plant oestrogens", b)
KELLOGG'S appropriating your mum's rice-krispie cakes into
the tasty (but geometrically misguided) SQUARES - or c) the
apparent replacement of DAIRYLEA DIP & PIZZA CRACKERS by
the shockingly bland DAIRYLEA DIP & BREADSTICKS. Come on,
Kraft! they're competing for the same ecological snack-
niche!... can't seem to find the new Nestle MAVERICK bar
anywhere, but CADBURY persist with woeful attempts at a
citrus/chocolate crossover with the "limited edition" TIME
OUT ORANGE (you can see why - it's disgusting). In fact,
their plain Dairy-Milk-style ORANGE bar ("Orange Flavoured
Milk Chocolate") isn't too bad, but still has about as much
chance against Terry's original choc-orange-spin-off as
Nestle's HERCULES MAGIC BALL has against the GLOWING
GHOSTIES KINDER EGGS...
>> COMPO <<
with added P45 - see www.spesh.com/compo/
Oh, too easy again, was it? Well then, I suppose you won't
mind if the prize goes to Dr Nik Cain, one of the few
contestants who didn't pepper his entry with jeers and cat-
calls at our generous nature. The good Dr receives a copy
of THE LEVELLERS album (yes, be impressed), a NINTENDO
GOLDENEYE poster, and Star Trek: Starfleet Academy (which,
should Interplay be reading this, is NOT a competition
prize - Nik is officially reviewing it for NTK, and anyway
I've already opened the box and installed it on my machine,
and it's great, so what's the problem, huh?). Plus,
naturellement, the free invite to the .NOT Awards. Which
we're really are going to announce next week. Ahem. Here's
this weeks' URL. As ever, it's in the form
http://www.*.com/now.html. And the wildcard is:
The 1st l. in the 30th, 23rd, 97th, 255th, 179th,
144th, 107th, 124th, 176th, 103rd, 52nd, 26th,
155th, and 254th l.s of t.m.
Remember, there's still time to contribute your own
URL/now.html combo. Yeah, you might lose your job, but when
the boss hauls you in, just say you know a guy who edits
this newsletter, and one time he put in a forthcoming diary
event that actually happened exactly a year previously, and
they didn't sack *him*, so why should you have to go? [See
last week's Event Queue. NTK regrets the error.]
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
It is registered at the Post Office as "http in '93".
<shemp.ncsa.uiuc.edu/NCSA/SDG/Experimental/demoweb/old/marc-info.html>
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
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