Need To Know 1999-06-25

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"If we go into life-science companies, we find up to 70 packages; that means 70 kingdoms. When Europe had 70 kingdoms, it was a very unhappy time in history. Then democracy came up and we integrated." - Friedrich von Bohlen, LION BIOSCIENCE, AG http://www.wired.com/news/news/technology/story/20395.html ...not quite how everybody else saw it, Friedrich >> HARD NEWS << up for a bruise Good to see the DTI applauding the Consumer Association's new E-Commerce Code of Practice - even if they're still acting like the biggest cowboys around. That E-Commerce Bill that was ordered months ago? Well, I've spoken to the Ministry and they say it's definitely *definitely* in the post, and should arrive next week. Yeah, they did say that last week too. You do know it's not the same Bill as the one you were expecting, right? Now it's called the Electronic Communications Bill, which - given how much the consultation paper was banging on about how it was exclusively to assist e-commerce, should ring a few alarm bells. Although when you do get it, don't be surprised if, once all the packaging is removed, there's nothing there anyway. The DTI say that tricky questions - such as whether key escrow is to be supported - will now be deferred to a "joint forum" of industry and government and implemented in secondary legislation, away from all that awkward parliamentary scrutiny business. Jesus. We heard that the DTI prefers self-regulation, but this is ridiculous... http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/sci/tech/newsid_377000/377320.stm - oddly, we don't even remember ordering it the first place http://www.which.net/webtrader/index.html - note prominent link to the Consumer Associations' online shop. Still, if anyone's feeling short of some law, there's plenty to explore in the new Interception of Communications consultation document. The IOC paper, while vague to the point of meaninglessness (anyone seeing a pattern here?), seems to suggest establishing tapping capabilities directly into ISPs' NOCs. ISPs, predictably, have expressed concern about this - mainly because of the cost. Absolutely right: we'll all be much happier if our ISPs get paid by the government to monitor their own customers, rather than just doing it for free. Tell you what: given that your customers are going to end up paying for this either way, how about opening up the description of how the tapping would take place, so we can all ensure that it's not going to turn into some general general surveillance spectacular? http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/oicd/ioc.htm - pdf to prevent "interception" http://www.cyber-rights.org/interception/ioca99.htm - html (and a tenth of the size) http://www.ncis.co.uk/web/intelligence.htm - quote from Sinead O'Connor album "I do not need what I cannot smell" When we heard that an NTK reader had been ejected from a Sky Digital training session for "asking too many questions", our sympathies went immediately to Sky. I mean, in a world where every month you have to stand up and pursuade people that the OpenTV system isn't a crock, and in a world where uptake is so bad that you have to give away these "training sessions" for free (even though every Web company is gagging for iTV contracts), then surely the last thing you'd deserve is some smart alec asking questions like "Isn't this just glorified teletext?" or "say, does this tedious authoring system get on your nerves, too?". These things should not happen. To prevent them, from now on, NTK will be running a "Sarcastic Bastard Name And Shame" campaign. Simply e-mail in with the sarky question *you* asked at any developer meeting (not just Sky: Microsoft, Oracle, or even Linux '99 will do). We'll pick the most cutting comments, and punish the troublemaker with a plug in the issue. Extra points for getting physically thrown out of the session. Because if you keep pointing out the truth to these marketing people, how are they supposed to do their job? http://www.opentv.com/ - mmmf. mmmmf mmmfff mmmff. >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious (this week's Antinews is dedicated to long-time AN superstar SPYDER, whose Web "reviews" in London's TIME OUT not only pioneered the innovative approach of clicking around a site and writing down *exactly* what happens, but who also, towards the end, veered into the exciting territory of "thinking of things that don't seem to have a web presence and clamouring for them to be put online" - culminating, in this week's final column, with the plea "Oddly, Pot Noodles don't have a website (so get pitching, people)." Presumably, that would be apart from last September's ingeniously misnomered http://www.potnoodle.co.uk ; goodbye, Spyder - the Net never truly deserved you...) VIRGIN not flying anywhere on 1999-12-31... BT CALL MINDER upgrade delayed *again*... FALCO! http://www.angels-on-line.com ... giving whole new meaning to "AAAA-AHHHAAA-AHHAAAAAAA!" http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,4924,00.html ... PETER NORTON restores love letters to JD Salinger, reminds him to take back-ups next time... DIXONS advertise Rio as "MPEG 2 player"... FALCO? http://www.innerworkings.com/ ... LIGHT SABRES "may cause burns": http://www.hasbro.com/consumer/safety.html ... "In the contest between people and lightning, lightning wins", wagers SCIENCE DAILY... BT internal document reports: "PETER COCHRANE is often referred to as the country's most holistic and unusual thinker who lives in the future rather than trying to predict it" - how often, exactly? ... obvious, when you think about it: http://www.hackcanada.com/canadian/phreaking/riobox.txt ... battle of the BABELFISHES: "the world of the juicy" http://cactus.masterweb.it/eng/2intro.htm vs "To allow you of view any our last workmanships, we have realized demonstrative tapes" http://www.improntadigitale.mi.it/chiing.htm >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful Peter "ex-Bullfrog" Molyneux's touring roadshow stops off at London's Olympia Conference Centre tomorrow for DEVELOP! 99 (UKP 329) - "For programmers, designers, and producers of [cough] interactive entertainment" (they mean video games). Other usual suspects include Argonaut's Jez San, Revolution's Charles Cecil, and Shiny's Dave Perry; there doesn't seem to be any mention of it on the organiser's website, unless it's the "US Geriatric & Long-Term Care Congress", which this line-up increasingly resembles. http://www.unmf.co.uk/latest/index.html - "Hong Kong Jewellery & Watch Fair" (incorporating "Fake Rolexes '99") As if proof were needed that the web design biz was "full of gangsters": the British Interactive Multimedia Association awards await next Monday (1999-06-28), but only for those who survive Artec/ FusedInteractive's invite to "MAD" FRANKIE FRASER'S GANGLAND TOUR. At the time of writing, 4 tickets were still available for this Sunday (UKP25, from mick@thekrays.co.uk); a look back at the notorious "companies" whose high-profile "blags" and "scores" once horrified all East London. And "Mad" Frankie Fraser should have some pretty scary stories too. http://www.bima.co.uk/ - can't see this one winning much http://www.fusedinteractive.co.uk/franks/tainer.html - "under construction" = "concrete overshoes"? >> TRACKING << making good use of the things that we find It's difficult to say how the shotgun massacres that plague our schools, workplaces, and university computer rooms[1] might be avoided. Would it be better if we'd kept our children from the mind-bending Quakey Doom violence game that we have heard so much of from our television experts? If someone had gone back in time and killed Siouxsie and The Banshees before they'd met John Peel - could that changed our present for the better? The only solution we've heard of that works, really *works*, in preventing (or at least limiting) occupational carnage, is arming all your kids and cow-orkers to the teeth with RUBBER BAND TOYS, and letting God sort them out. Just make sure you're the only one with the "Uzzi"[sic]. Available in this country from the Kite Store, 48 Neal Street, London. Well, they were until everyone we knew bought out the shop's stock. http://www.rubberbandtoys.com/ - [1] not yet - but it's waiting to happen, isn't it? >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista "It's QUAKE O'Clock!"... ONION editor has stalker... RIP http://people.netscape.com/mcmullen/ ... *now* you tell us: http://209.192.217.100/graphics5B/font/zip/zxspectrum.zip ... no, we're not stalking him - we just thought you'd like http://www.jwz.org/webcollage/ ... http://216.33.45.198/jfk/ - really realistic "because OSWALD's not there"... so, evil electricity company, it's PAYBACK TIME - and we're doing the paying! http://www.homepower.com/rogues.htm ... if you felt sorry for the guy who got his arm chopped off in the CANTINA (http://home.earthlink.net/~rpalacios/walrusman/), you'll love http://home.earthlink.net/~rpalacios/jarjar/ ... still time to enter the next DARWIN AWARDS, Juan: http://spin.com.mx/~jmlozano/indexi.html ... jokes-in-the-URL: http://www.corona.bc.ca/films/details/pictures/youvegotmaul.jpg ... CLIFF STOLL now *knitting* Klein bottles... don't encourage: http://www.warwick.ac.uk/staff/D.Chrastina/stalker.html ... but does it have a WATERSLIDE TRANSFERS boss monster: http://www.target.se/ia/dogfight.htm ... >> GEEK MEDIA << the less rude http://www.ntk.net/tvgohome/ TV NOTES>> yes, L7 taking their pants down does qualify as THE BEST OF THE WORD (10.30pm, Fri, C4)... some sort of "mud" comment compulsory for all coverage of GLASTONBURY '99 (11.15pm, Fri, BBC2)... and C5 shows its commitment to old-fashioned smut as well as the new stuff, with Russ Meyer tit-thrills rollercoaster SUPERVIXENS (11.50pm, Fri, C5)... not at all affected by such sensationalist ratings-grabbing, TIMEWATCH (9.40pm, Sat, BBC2) wheels out yet another "history of pornography"... Patrick Stewart hops on board ALISTAIR MACLEAN'S DEATH TRAIN (10.50pm, Sat, BBC1) - tragically not the first in a series of rhyming thriller-writer movies: THOMAS HARRIS' DEADLY PARIS, TOM CLANCY'S FONDANT FANCY... THE WIZARD OF OZ (1pm, Sun, BBC1) launches BBC1's "Twister Week", apparently in the absence of the film "Twister" itself - unless it's on next Saturday or something... and remade Robert Rodriguez shoot-em-up DESPERADO (10pm, Sun, C4) is not based around The Eagles' song of the same name... FOR THE LOVE OF (1.45am, Sun, C4) features various clinical paranoids on the subject of "Big Brother"; phone-tapping, surveillance, microwave thought-control etc... looks like the "Miss Norwich" in better-than-usual KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU (10.45pm, Mon, UK Gold) went on to become the non-Sally Phillips receptionist in I'm Alan Partridge... effortful history romp THE MADNESS OF KING GEORGE (10pm, Mon, C4) wasn't called "The Madness Of King George III" because Americans would think it was a sequel... and PLAYING NINTENDO WITH GOD (11pm, Tue, C4) is about terminally ill kids with AIDS, and not a characteristically over-the-top review of Zelda 64... Rutger Hauer is - literally and metaphorically - brought back from the dead by derviative sci-fi REDLINE (9pm, Tue, C5)... over-reverential muso jazz club ALL BACK TO MINE (11.30pm, Wed, C4) sounds like a laugh-free "Vinyl Justice" from The Adam And Joe Show... and the scheduling suggests that chat-show MICHAEL MOORE LIVE (2.35am, Wed, C4) was bought in as part of some bumper package deal, also implied by subsequent chance to see Errol Morris's self-descriptive FAST, CHEAP AND OUT OF CONTROL (3.15am, Wed, C4)... FILM>> "Guaranteed to make you jump, laugh, scream and cover your eyes" (Daily Express) - *and that's just Rachel Weisz's acting!*, in dumb-ass sub-Lovecraft flesh-eating Evil Undead adventure comedy THE MUMMY (bbfc: 0m 14s cut to obtain a '12' category, for frequent, scary scenes of horror). Or "Indiana Jones And The Endless Dynamation Particle System Shots", as our f/x pals are apparently calling it... following last-month's "The Corruptor", what is it with Mark Wahlberg and pseudo-Hong Kong buddy action thrillers, inquires explosive quick-talking breakdance assassin romp THE BIG HIT (imdb: chase / black-comedy / kidnapping / hitman / machismo / screwball / miscegenation / violence); also stars Christina "Married With Children" Applegate, ubiquitous straight-to-video hero Lou Diamond Phillips, and DS9's Avery Brooks... so, presumably an improvement on the rest of the Brit-shit being rushed out before Star Wars, including Billy Connolly celebrity criminal chiller THE DEBT COLLECTOR (bbfc: uncut, passed '18' for strong violence, sexual violence and coarse language)... and Ewan McGregor/ Anna Friel's ill-judged celebration of gross financial ineptitude, ROGUE TRADER (bbfc: uncut, passed '15' for strong language); "It's 'Wall Street' - on acid!" chortles The Sunday Express, revealing more about their reviewing technique than we really wanted to know... BUBBLING UNDER>> frankly we're disappointed by the current confectionery: CADBURY'S MILLENNIUM BUG (as cheap as 20p in Sainsburys) is tacky sub-caramel rubbish foiled to look like the "zeroids" from Terrahawks; CADBURY'S CRAZE peanut-butter bar (about 40p) is almost nauseatingly salty, and features a cardboard protective shield - the ultimate chocolate affectation; and CADBURY'S STAR WARS EPISODE 1 (25p) explains - somewhat unnecessarily - that it's "From the Makers of Cadbury's Wispa", and is indeed a small Wispa, but with "6 Different Character Bars To Collect"... NESTLE haven't done much better, with POLO SUPER OJ'S reprising the "giant Polo" packaging of last summer's Polo Super Mint [NTK 1999-06-05] plus their equally oversized price; 49p for a few tangy orange "rich in Vitamin C" tablets. Still, it's up to the uniformly pale-green POLO CITRUS SHARP (20p) to finally appease all those who think Trebor Refreshers don't taste enough like bath salts; and don't get us started on POLO BUTTER-UPS... instead we've been swigging the latest fizzy drinks or, clearly influenced by disapproving middle-class parents, the "flavoured waters" as some supermarkets now call them... old-skool Dandelion And Burdock-mongers SILVER STREAM have moved with the times and, echoing the Penfield Organ in Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, have launched IN THE MOOD (UKP1.09 bottle, Sainsburys): spring water, fruit juices, plus "natural botanicals" (ginseng, rosehip, acesulfame K, etc) to induce states of excitement, refreshment, tranquility or sensuality. We've only tried the first two, with limited results; to explore other moods (naked aggression, perhaps), may we suggest pre-mixed alco-pop RED SQUARE, an "energising blend of premium vodka, caffeine and taurine"... we haven't dared taste female-oriented milk-serum fizz RIVELLA [NTK 1999-03-12] - "sounds like rubella in a can to me", comments one tipster... on a related note, reader JOHN MAYNARD asks: "Why, on the new Tomb Raider Lucozade adverts, doesn't the energy bar on the top of the screen show any increase when Lara drinks the orange energy nectar?"... in other news, BROOKE BOND has suspended a year-long trial of hot canned drinks in the Granada TV region; the drinks were "warmed to 55 degrees C in specially designed cabinets"... while the latest US fad is "supercarbonating" soft drinks with more CO2 than usual; each can of EXCUSE ME'S new BELCHER range - Loogie Lime, Gastro Grape etc - comes with its own "belch gauge"... not fizzy, but expensive: RIBENA SMOOTHIES (75p) are the thinnest we've ever chugged; more like various fruit juices - blackcurrant, strawberry, pineapple - mixed with cream. Inspection of the ingredients reveals: they *are* various fruit juices, mixed with cream... and finally, back on semi-solids, kudos to Cadbury's highly paid product strategists who, responding to Nestle's fast-selling KitKat Chunky, devised the TIMEOUT CHUNKY, almost indistigushable from its rival. "Bwaha-ha-ha," our correspondent writes: "Soon *all* earth food shall be in 'chunky' form!"... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. It is registered at the Post Office as "choice of the Daily Post, regional paper for the North West, generation" NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Excuses - http://www.spesh.com/ntk/ Unsubscribe? Mail majordomo@lists.ntk.net with 'unsubscribe ntknow'. 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