"[Sydney Organising Committee for the Olympic Games] spokesman
Milton Cockburn said the organisation had expert advice that
[making online live results accessible to the blind] would
cost $2 million and take more than a year."
http://www.theage.com.au/frontpage/20000828/A32287-2000Aug28.html
- bloody amateurs
>> HARD NEWS <<
over to youse
Only one week to go before the ceremonial unveiling of the
radically new redesigned NTK (which means, by the usual scheme
of things, only 3 weeks to go before everyone complains that
they don't like it and we're shamefacedly forced to go back to
the old one). But if you reckon yourself as some sort of
"graphic designer" (or even if you don't), then why not enter
the Official NTK DRILY IRONIC T-SHIRT COMPETITION ? Clearly
far more than just an attempt to come up with some decent
merchandising without having to design it all ourselves, the
prizes, in keeping with NTK's pioneering "c2c" business model,
will be cafepress.com-style royalties from *every* shirt we
eventually sell with your design on it, which is more than
"Blue Peter" ever coughed up. Content-wise, you don't have to
specifically promote NTK - though you may use NTK slogans like
the snappy "They stole our revolution - now we're stealing it
back", "In-jokes for outcasts", or "Will consult for food" -
and can advocate anything else you think other NTK readers
might like instead: pr0n, warez, or self-referential humour,
for instance. We prefer to receive URLs rather than gigantic
TIFFs, .pngs, or (shudder) .bmps, and, as in the final game of
"Rollerball", we're setting *no time limit* for this contest
(though obviously the sooner you get us stuff, the sooner
you'll be making $$$!) - the competition will continue until
we are entirely sated by the entries received, or until
everyone involved is dead.
http://bofhcam.org/co-larters/
- before you start with the O'Reilly spoofs, already
http://bak.spc.org/antibanners/
- blah blah all your own work
http://www.cafepress.com/moose2000/
- thanks Moose, that ought to do it
We were under the impression that the link between upcoming
"This Life" web-designing drama ATTACHMENTS and its associated
young people's website was supposed to be a secret, so people
might discover the groovy site first and then be pleasantly
surprised that it was something to do with those squares at
the BBC. And, indeed, it took someone with "root permissions"
to blow the gaffe on this one: JANE ROOT, that is, controller
of BBC2, who told the Guardian on Monday that the site should
"feel as though it has been created by the fictional
characters from the drama". Of course, it's actually been
constructed, right down to some of the songs on the site, by
Mr "Smoother And Faster" himself, the multi-talented DAVID
MCCANDLESS [see numerous NTKs passim]. Drama in the show will
come from conflict between the creatives and the suits, which
will ideally be reflected off-screen - for instance: what will
the BBC make of what (we suspect) may be modified, cutting-
edge content ideas from Macca's long-mooted "cool technology
lifestyle mag", turned down by Dennis after they got their
fingers burned with "Escape"? Stay tuned, viewers, stay tuned!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/story/0,3605,360101,00.html
- "quality will also deteriorate again at times of crisis"
http://www.seethru.co.uk/
- could be the brand-new http://i.am/a.gaylord/
And finally, QXL's bit of the heavily promoted Coca-Cola
COKEAUCTION site was, at time of writing, closed due to
"technical difficulties". Ah, that'd be the numerous lots
that, earlier this morning, were featuring bids of 9,999,990
points (no pictorial evidence, sorry) which, at the current
exchange rate, implied those users had drunk (and redeemed)
99,999 cans of coke, each, over the last few weeks. We know
net users enjoy a caffeinated soft-drink from time to time,
but this, as they say, is ridiculous...
http://www.cokeauction.co.uk/
- "cokeauction is going to be huge!". And that's just the bids!
>> ANTI-NEWS <<
berating the obvious
Without wanting to sound ungrateful (and partly prompted by
the admittedly amusing arrival of FART WITHIN THE MATRIX:
http://yoyo.org/levine/films/misc/matrix.mpeg - an URL we fear
we'll be seeing a lot more of in the coming weeks), readers
often ask "How can I tell if you've already seen ...?" So, in
place of your regularly scheduled AntiNews (the likes of
HALIFAX plans to "plough UKP120" into "Intelligent Finance":
http://netimperative.com/media/newsarticle.asp?ArticleID=4789
... BBC ONLINE search boldly predicts the death of REGGIE KRAY:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/obituaries/newsid_864000/864752.stm etc)
here's a bunch of stuff you *don't* need to send us any more,
either because it's rubbish, or we've already run it, or both
(and, while we're on the subject, that also goes for Windows
executables, .bmp files, or pretty much any pic of a webserver
falling over, unless it's exceptionally ironic or amusing):
http://www.patents.ibm.com/cgi-bin/viewpat.cmd/US5501650__ -
especially people who think it means that it's IBM who have
patented an AUTOMATED MASTURBATORY DEVICE... juxtaposition of
COMPAQ and "FALCO": http://web14.compaq.com/falco/ ... CHRIS
MORRIS' PA prank: http://www.twilight3d.com/humour/temp/ - see
http://www.rethink.demon.co.uk/r1frame.html ... THE STORY
ABOUT PING: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140502416/
(other AMAZON review anomalies may, however, be acceptable:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004WGVR/ )... and
finally, a special mention for URLS THAT WE RAN THE PREVIOUS
WEEK - http://britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm being the current
outstanding example.
So now you know. Punishment withheld. For now.
>> EVENT QUEUE <<
goto's considered non-harmful
After our great big summer-holiday blitz of a couple of weeks
ago, the invites have started to trickle in once again -
invites, and *corrections*, with the news that GEEK PRIDE SAN
FRANCISCO is now taking place on October 2000-10-13 & 14, at
former Webbies venue Nob Hill Masonic Hall ("just like the
Simpsons episode", the organiser emails, dweebily). In the
meantime, SEGA seems to have realised that not even the ECTS
crowd are much interested in their Dreamcast interactive
entertainment disappointment any more, and are throwing their
Q4 preview open to the public at Leicester Square's Empire
Cinema, at 6.45pm on Sun 2000-09-03. As well as a 40 minute
preview of upcoming releases, "in-game characters such as
Sonic, Ulala and the SoulCalibur fighters will be in
attendance to pose for pictures and distribute free Dreamcast
drinks and popcorn" - popcorn that everyone will, of course,
politely refuse, just in case Sony and Microsoft bring out
something better in 18 months' time.
http://www.geekpride.org/
- this time, they've even updated their website. The geeks.
http://www.green-moon.co.uk/sega/ectspr~1.htm
- not as mad as http://www.green-moon.co.uk/sega/net_pres.htm
http://www.comfort-computer.org/
- meanwhile, at the Foundry, a "generative" Sinclair Spectrum+
http://www.bbc.co.uk/so/agony/star/star_email.shtml
- or send Britney your queries on semiconductor lasers
>> MEMEPOOL <<
hasta la altavista
GORE http://www.newsblues.com/Stories/gore.htm imitates ONION
http://www.theonion.com/onion3627/visiting_gore_hellhole.html
... new MS variable names ("How many SHITEMIDs in my PIDL?"):
http://msdn.microsoft.com/library/psdk/shellcc/shell/shell_adv/nse_impl.htm
- sound like TOURETTE'S BARBIE: http://vorel.com/T-Barbie.htm
... after success of A1's "Take On Me", new U2 single appears
to be cover of A-Ha's "The Sun Always Shines On TV"... Mac-
lovin' Nathans QUINTON, SHOOZ: http://www.junktion.co.uk/ yet
to discover "Skip Intro"... sitcom idea: BBC comedy producer
lives with DAVE GORMAN, keeps impartially plugging his show!
http://www.comedyzone.beeb.com/comedy/whatsnew/funnytalk/2000/08/25/mad.html
... ELLISON http://www.nypost.com/business/10689.htm imitates
ONION http://www.theonion.com/onion3541/rich_guy_wins.html
(and he's *still* less recognisable than a chess computer
http://www.rs6000.ibm.com/resource/pressreleases/2000/Aug/deepblue_celebrity )
LUKE GOSS to star in MATRIX sequel... in case you thought you
could keep making calls until the sats burnt up in the upper
atmosphere: http://www.motorola.com/satellite/info/ ...
>> GEEK MEDIA <<
get out less
TV>> mild Farrah Fawcett/ Kirk Douglas/ Harvey Keitel (?)
nudity gives new meaning to "the moon of Titan" in tedious
'80s sci-fi SATURN 3 (11.45pm, Fri, BBC1)... but things start
picking up with John Carpenter's "It's a megablast" ASSAULT ON
PRECINCT 13 (9.55pm, Sat, BBC2)... plus Cuba Gooding Jr's
post-apocalyptic AIDS-drama DAYBREAK (1am, Sat, ITV) offering
a healthier alternative to Bowie's interminably arty THE MAN
WHO FELL TO EARTH (12.05am, Sat, BBC2)... the BBC seems
inexplicably pleased over acquiring those agonisingly
protracted 50-min episodes of THUNDERBIRDS (5.25pm, Sun,
BBC2)... ELIZABETH (9pm, Sun, C4) is essentially a pointless
prequel to "Shakespeare In Love", but without Gwyneth Paltrow
or any of the gags... making film of the weekend the "Scary
Movie" Wayans Brothers' DON'T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL
WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD (12.10am, Sun, BBC2)...
the (increasingly fatalistic?) GOOD VS EVIL returns in the
prestigious slot of 12midnight, Sun, Sky1... here's hoping the
reporters stick "Ride Of The Valkyries" on the stereo as they
set off on THE SEARCH FOR KURTZ (11.05pm, Sat; 1.05am, Mon,
C4) - the real-life rogue CIA black-ops agent who claims he
"inspired" APOCALYPSE NOW (10.15pm, Mon, C4)... time again to
reschedule your life around weekday showings of SEINFELD
(11.55ish, Mon-Fri, BBC2)... or, alternatively, CGI nanotech
superhero MAX STEEL (4.15pm, Tue, ITV) - from the makers of
"Starship Troopers: The Animated Series"... no boring old
political context gets in the way of documentary "Who Dares
Wins"-style thrills in Olympics hostage face-off ONE DAY IN
SEPTEMBER (9pm, Tue, BBC2)... an ill-judged attempt to splice
the DNA of "The X Files" and "Dawson's Creek" produce pallid,
unviable hybrid ROSWELL HIGH (6pm, Thu, BBC2)... while it'll
be interesting to see if all the Jamie Oliver-style everyday
activities in NIGELLA [LAWSON] BITES (8.30pm, Wed, C4)
continue to specifically omit her famously cancer-afflicted
husband, John Diamond...
FILM>> Guy Ritchie addresses head-on criticisms that he can't
write female characters or anything other than comedy black
guys in hard-hitting, emotive African-American women's
ensemble drama SNATCH (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '18' for
strong violence and coarse language) - seriously, it looks
like a remake of his first film intercut with bits of "Fight
Club" - and not in a good way... Neil "In The Company Of Men"
LaBute returns with what could be his very own "Cable Guy", in
wackily cast too-much-TV weirdness NURSE BETTY (MPAA: Rated R
for strong violence, pervasive language and a scene of
sexuality) - at last, a feature-length version of that
"Friends" episode where Brooke Shields thinks Joey is his soap
character... while the arthouse selection includes: Saffron
"Wing Commander" Burrows in class-obsessed sexual potboiler
MISS JULIE (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : Passed '15' for strong
language, single use of coarse language, sex and sexual
references); a topical look at conjoined twins in TWIN FALLS
IDAHO (imdb: siamese-twins / independent-film); or, what could
be the "Caligula" for the 21st century, Shakespeare adaptation
TITUS (http://www.cndb.com : "a lengthy look at [Alan
Cumming's] hairy butt... on video or DVD you can pause and see
his penis and balls more clearly"; "for a second you can see
[Anthony] Hopkins' ass"; "a fleeting glimpse of [Jessica
Lange's] tits as the camera is moving") - not based on the
upcoming Sky sitcom of the same name... so you may as well
hold on for the Thursday previews of intermittently hilarious
scatological "Scream" spoof SCARY MOVIE, which, as if any
further recommendation was required, is only the second (out
of 320 "analysed") to earn the prized http://www.capalert.com
rating of zero, thanks to: admission and impudence at sexual
immorality; portrayal of a stuffed monkey masturbating;
repeated shots of grossly exaggerated male scrotum; 81 minutes
of wanton licentious disregard for righteousness, moral
character and inhibition; defiance of rules of courtesy;
urination contest; flatulence; tattoos...
CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> dedicated biscuiteers have slammed our
award of the spotting-credit on the TWIX TOP to Matt "Creme
Egg Guy" Lucas [NTK 2000-08-11]: "Limited sampling, my hairy
arse," frothed JAMES O'BRIEN, "[They've] been available for
months - I've bought them from Tesco in Covent Garden and
Safeway in Acton," eventually calming himself with the thought
that "something about the wrapper design, coupled with the
overall biscuit shape, brings to mind non-wacky 60's
packaging"... "[the] buggers were on sale in the Peterborough
branch of Asda at least a month ago," concurred DANIEL
THORNTON. "I would've mentioned it, but they looked bland as a
bland thing"... while JOHN CHANDLER leapt to the newcomer's
defence, describing it as "a flattened, inverted Twix. Heavy
on the biscuit, skimpy on the chocolate and caramel" - mildly
preferable to our analogy with the baboon that goes through
the teleporter in "The Fly", and comes out all inside-out.
"I've been eating them since the middle of last year, roughly
one every work day (two if there's a code deadline)," John
confides. "However, the only source appears to be a local
Tesco, bizarrely - I can only presume it's to make up for
living in an area where no ADSL or Cable is planned for the
next 50 years". What, John - you mean the United Kingdom?...
STEVE CORNISH conceded that the Twix Top "sounds crap", but is
in fact "very addictive", before going on to correct MARK
SAVAGE's theory [also NTK 2000-08-11] that Maltesers were
"just chocolate coated Horlicks powder". "Years ago, Mars used
to buy their malt from Horlicks," Steve recalls, "but Horlicks
allegedly pumped up the price too much." How *do* those people
sleep at night?... nothing too exciting on the shelves right
now - UNCLE BEN'S RISPINOS "Mini-Rice-Snacks" (59p/packet),
effectively duplicate the giant sugar-puff sensation of rival
Quaker's "Snack A Jacks" [NTK 2000-07-04], while KELLOGG'S
have at last got their act together with the CHOCOLATE CARAMEL
RICE KRISPIES SQUARES (about 30p), which taste like a proper
Rice Krispie cake, but with molten chocolate dribbled all over
it... still, a bunch of new brands to look out for, including:
independent Milky-Way market-entrant LOVELLS' MILKY LUNCH
(25p); Anthea Turner-endorsed Antipodean arrival SNOWFLAKE
(UKP1.85 on front of this week's OK MAGAZINE, full roll-out
due Sep 11); the appalling sounding WONKA WONKALATE (25p, out
now) - a "purple, raspberry-flavoured bar with green
'snozzberry' flavour nerds [which] spell out the name Wonka";
plus NESTLE's rapid response to the "Campini" threat emanating
from the makers of Werther's Originals, strawberry and cream-
flavoured POLO SMOOTHIES (99p/packet, out now)...
>> SMALL PRINT <<
Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that
happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it
on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have
nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent.
Registered at the Post Office as
"those in 'geek-denial' need not apply"
http://www.freepint.co.uk/issues/170800.htm
NEED TO KNOW
THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
Archive - http://www.ntk.net/
Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net
Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net
NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntk.net/books
(K) 2000 Special Projects.
Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/
Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com
All communication is for publication, unless you beg.
Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com
Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material.
Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.