Need To Know 2001-02-09

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"We have a very serious issue with librarians. Technology people *never* gave *their* stuff away. But now folks are saying, 'You mean the New England Journal of Medicine is charging people?'" - PAT SCHROEDER, President of the Association of American Publishers http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A36584-2001Feb7.html ...and people pay *you* for this? >> HARD NEWS << career limiting moves People come up to us and ask: why have you never diversified into a recruitment site, precisely targetted at the creme-de-creme of the technology sector? Which reminds us: must buy more quicklime for the cellar. Anyway, the two reasons are this: firstly, if a tolerable tech job does turn up, we run it as a headline story, because God knows it's news to most of us. Case in point: THE FOUNDATION FOR INFORMATION POLICY RESEARCH, those nice people who marshalled the anti-RIP forces, are currently working on fighting Clause 59 of the Health and Social Care Bill. This one would allow the Health Secretary to pass on your medical details to *anyone* - bypassing any medical assurances of privacy - provided they deem it "expedient" to do so. FIPR is looking for someone to help run the website for this - and quick, because it's already past committee stage, and on its way to becoming law. Money may change hands: mail cb@fipr.org for more details. Yes, that does count as interesting. And secondly, if we *did* run a recruitment site, we're almost positive it would end up like this: http://www.recruitfree.com/ - the going rate for Arse Photographer is much higher than that http://194.128.65.4/pa/cm200001/cmbills/009/01009--l.htm#59 - look, what did we tell you? fascinating! You know what would be a great VB worm? One that rifled through your Outlook address book, mailmerged all the local names into the traditional wide-ranging abusive resignation note, then sent it out to all@yourcompany.co.uk. God knows we've got an excellent template from a recent suicide note at NOHO. You'll remember them, we're sure, as the "interactive" company featured in The Net's "day in the dotcom life" back in the twentieth, only to be eaten alive by ad agency Ogilvy. Off the top of our heads, then, our letter might go: "$BOSS1 - quite frankly, you have to take responsibility for this circus ... and the all round clicky 'you only get something in this company if you lick the right arse as opposed to having the right skill' heritage that has come over from $BIGMERGERCOMPANY. $BOSS2 - you really are a prick. $COLLEAGUE - how the fuck you made $RESPONSIBLEPOSITION I don't know, but it must have made your arse sore. $SALES1 - you really are an arrogant bastard." And so on it goes, and so on, until the worm ends, or turns, or just goes off to work for a nice, sane, likkle company and the big corps finally explode from their own smarmy incompetence. http://www.ogilvy.co.uk/o_interactive/senior_index.asp - match the chilis to the name Okay, we're game. With all the usual provisos - provenance unknown, possibility of meme-engineered publicity stunt acknowledged, collateral spoilsporting of charity show granted, here's an alleged transcript to that Posh and Becks and Ali G interview. If you're not reading this, it's already been taken down. Happy Valentines! http://www.ntk.net/2001/02/09/ali.html - adult content advisory, aiee. http://www.footballaid.com/ - this keepy-uppy game's not bad either >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious "printer-friendly" version also "scared of STALLMAN" (bold bits): http://www.techtv.com/print/story/0,23102,5141,00.html ... "No, really, what's an SSL line?" asks Mykindaplace CEO: http://www.mediaguardian.co.uk/mediaguardian/story/0,7558,433385,00.html ... http://www.radiotimes.com/ review of WHAT WOMAN WANT links to rather more pragmatic suggestion from Blackstar and Amazon: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00004CW26/ ... minimalist low-tech catalogue-ordering system pioneered by: http://www.habitat.net/wwwroot/index.cfm?fuseaction=freecat&sw=no&language=en - enter your details, hit Submit, then "Simply print off this coupon, take it to your nearest HABITAT store and hand it to a member of staff" - still, you've got to admit, more secure than: http://www.havealook.org/haldata/business.dat ... not currently supporting anything: http://www.homewarez.co.uk/ ... http://www.tns.com.au vs http://www.visitbritain.com ... when *will* the public tire of pro-"bastardisation" BANNER ADS: http://www.ntk.net/2001/02/09/dohage.gif ... must be POPmail: http://www.mobilefun.co.uk/mobilefun/terms-and-conditions.htm#Privacy >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK are back, back, back, with a new retro- early-'90s-sounding album ("Alien Christ" isn't too bad, but the others - hmmm...) and a tour. And where have they chosen for their triumphant return to the forefront of futuristic rock and roll? TRANSMEDIALE.DE in Berlin? MILIA.COM in Cannes? No, "Esquire's Music Venue", Bedford, deep in the dystopian wastes of the M1's junction 13 (UKP5, 8.30pm, Fri 2001-02-09). As with many bands who feel they no longer have to "prove" their popularity - U2 being another current example - their subsequent gigs continue to shun the larger arenas in favour of more intimate club-style venues, including THE GARAGE, London (UKP9, Sat 2000-02-17); THE WEDGEWOOD ROOMS, Portsmouth (UKP5, Sun 2000-02-18); and the South-West's most prestigious 400-capacity pub, THE FLEECE AND FIRKIN in Bristol (Tue 2000- 02-20). http://www.sputnikworld.com/2insiteLOST.html - "Rockit Miss USA (Speedranch mix)" worth Napstering, though http://www.darwin.ws/day/ideas/small/ - Mon: Darwin Day. C'mon, you apes! You want to live forever? >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering Accusing us of "doting on my six year old childhood peccadilloes", JULIAN ASSANGE, co-author of THE UNDERGROUND and, we dotifully include, THE DAN FARMER RAP, directs our attention as "citizen[s] of totalitarian England", to RUBBERHOSE, his fine two-year-old toddler of a "deniable encryption" system. In Assange's own sweet, twisted way, Rubberhose is named after the decryption tactic it attempts to defeat: Rubberhose Cryptanalysis, in which suspects are exposed to repeated rounds of the "kick to the head" attack until their password is revealed. Rubberhose thwarts this by allowing a large number of encrypted messages to be stored on the same drive, each encoded with a different password. The total number of levels is unknown, so when Commandante Plodista requests your passphrase, you can happily give him the password to the lowest level (or three), confident that noone can ever prove that this isn't *all* the data you have on the drive. Along with StegFS, it's another recommended RIP-bypasser. Unless you really are under risk of being beaten up, in which case, we'll re-pose the FAQ: won't rational torturers just beat you up *forever*? Anyone want to pick up on the in-the-field research here? http://www.rubberhose.org/ - smart civil rights groups stick with Linux 2.2 http://www.rubberhose.org/current/src/doc/beatings.txt - taking "prisoner's dilemma" out of labs, into prisons http://www.dataguard.no/bugtraq/1995_2/0194.html - hold on, if he was six in 1995... >> MEMEPOOL << pique the infoseek English-language region 2 DVD of "banned" Mitnick movie TAKEDOWN (aka "Cibertraque") now at http://www.alapage.com ... SONY kicks Manics fans off Napster, for swapping album tracks including the aptly titled "Freedom of Speech Won't Feed My Children"... irony-free Christians unwittingly imitate ONION: http://canberra.yourguide.com.au/detail.asp?story_id=19481 vs http://www.theonion.com/onion3625/harry_potter.html ... new feature - Homoerotic SLASHDOT Posting Of The Week: http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=01/02/04/1539211&cid=31 ... you have huge fricking MAIL: http://www.incredimail.com/ ... POKEMON PUZZLE LEAGUE more exciting than previously thought: http://www.dailyradar.com/news/game_news_6892.html ... automatic SATIREWIRE script: http://www.fjear-nation.net/ ... http://clarkeinstitute.com/ working on "bending technology to meet global needs"... Schwarzenegger imitating DEMOLITION MAN: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010206/80/azw4z.html ... >> GEEK MEDIA << the less rude www.tvgohome.com TV>> RIGHT TO REPLY (7.30pm, Fri, C4) returns to offer some kind of freakish edutainment during the bands you don't want to watch on "Top Of The Pops" - though, on next week's show, Warren "Transmetropolitan" Ellis and some guy from NTK mount an entirely justified attack on Sky's "Dark Angel"... NTK's emeritus Kinder Egg expert Mark Pawson guests in breakfast bonanza I LOVE CEREAL (2.35am, Fri, C4)... and I LOVE 1983 (9.05pm, Sat, BBC2) pays long-overdue homage to Knight Rider, Roland Rat, and He-Man And Masters Of The Universe... Ken "Altered States" Russell pioneers web-based movie distribution (by making one, rather than developing compression codecs) in his garage on THE SOUTH BANK SHOW (10.45pm, Sun, ITV)... Steve Buscemi fails to shake off that weaselly slacker typecasting in his directorial debut TREES LOUNGE (11pm, Sun, BBC2)... and C4 fields the bizarrely themed THE REAL SPARTACUS (9pm, Mon, C4), UP POMPEII (10pm, Mon, C4) and the psychotherapy spoof episode of ANGEL (11.45pm, Mon, C4) against C5 category-killer THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (10pm, Mon, C5)... before going head- to-head again on Weds, with C4's regular cross-dressing sex strand vs tiresome Geena Davis Total-Recall-ripoff THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT (9pm, Tue, C5)... a rerun from the start of THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (6pm, Thu, BBC2) provides a timely reminder of what Dean Kamen was best known for before all that Ginger scooter business... DISINFO NATION (1am, Thu, C4) talks again with Howard Bloom - boggle-eyed evolution loon... while HORIZON (9pm, Thu, BBC2) profiles a Parkinson's disease sufferer who's stimulated by taking Ecstacy - next week: amazing revelations about the soothing pain-killing properties of heroin and cocaine... FILM>> essentially it's the story of our pre-NTK lives, but with rock music instead of technology, and Lester Bangs instead of Rupert Goodwins - so we were already biased towards junior-journalist Spinal-Tap-meets-Jerry-Maguire man-weepie ALMOST FAMOUS (http://www.cndb.com : the nudity, even though it's really brief, is great [...] [Kate] Hudson spins around and her fur coat opens up and [...] her excellent, perky nubs are flashed [...] can't wait for the DVD)... otherwise, with the possible exception of what appear to be special advance previews of the actionless HANNIBAL (imdb: sequel / fbi / cannibal / revenge / serial-killer / carousel), it's a reassuringly homoerotic Valentine-week selection, with Boaz "Fresh" Yakin's 1970s antiracist gridiron feelgooder REMEMBER THE TITANS (http://www.capalert.com : lying to encourage performance; vehicular stupidity; homosexual kiss; numerous homosexual presences and innuendo) - a title which is funnier in the US where "Titan" is a popular brand of condoms... "a movie version of 'That '70s Show' - yet still worse than you'd expect" largely sums up ree-tarded stoner buddy atrocity DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR (http://www.capalert.com : dog smoking dope; adult urinating on a house plant twice; homosexual licking kissing between Jesse and the transvestite stripper; crude uses of a variation of the name of the planet Uranus)... which leaves platonic pair (and recipients of 4 stars in this month's SFX magazine, for "acknowledging their lameness", or something) ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE (imdb: Rene "Freejack" Russo, Jason "Seinfeld" Alexander, Piper "Coyote Ugly" Perabo, Randy "ID4" Quaid, Janeane "Larry Sanders Show" Garofalo, Robert De "Meet The Parents" Niro - together at last!)... HOT FOOD ACTION>> in the US, the Superbowl heralded the launch of the SNICKERS CRUNCHER ("Crisped Rice, Crunchy Peanuts, And Caramel In Delicious Milk Chocolate") but, over here, we have to make do with KELLOGG'S REAL FRUIT WINDERS (29p), and their improbably bold invitation to "unwind the fruit fun forever!". "[They're] essentially Rowntree's fruit gums that have been run over by a steamroller, stretched onto a long strip of greaseproof paper," noted WAYNE WILLIAMS. "Quite nice, but decidedly odd." Available in 3 flavours (Orange, Strawberry and Blackcurrant - but no "Wavey Davey"), though the "real fruit" appears to be 45% pear in all of them... not much new confectionery-wise, what with upmarket "Milk And Hazelnuts" disappointment KINDER BUENO (45p), and the news that NESTLE TOFFEE CRISP COCONUT (28p) *is* becoming a permanent extension to the line. We eagerly await your sightings of bite-sized MARS BOUNTY CALAPUNO (UKP1.79 for box of 15) and crispy US imports GOLDEN WONDER/ GENERAL MILLS CORN BUGLES (27p) and WALKERS FUNYUNS (27p) - still outselling "Responsibilityuns" http://www.theonion.com/onion3612/funyuns_outselling.html worldwide... take it from us, the real heat in the market right now is coming from (or being directed at) the warm-it- yourself sector, with FOX'S SOME LIKE IT HOT BISCUITS (99p for 6) venturing into the soft-cookie territory that was formerly OTIS SPUNKMEYER's near-exclusive domain. Varieties include "Chunky Chocolate", "Raspberry And White Chocolate", and the surprising stand-out for us, "Toffee And Apple" - owners of high-powered modern microwaves *must* heed the maximum 13 seconds cooking time (no matter how many you've put in), or they spectacularly incinerate themselves in protest... also pleasingly microwaveable (though they don't tell you that on the packaging) is BIRDS EYE'S "ENJOY" range of ready meals for connoisseurs (from around UKP1.99), including an exquisite "Thai Chicken Rice" (UKP2.99)... disappointingly, we've seen no especially freakish Valentine's tie-ins this year [see NTKs 2000-02-11, 1999-02-12], though we have high hopes for CHEF'S LOVE SAUSAGE and CHEF'S MEATY BALLS, both part of the SOUTH PARK CHEF'S PREMIUM COLLECTION. And MCDONALDS have, to their credit, made some sort of effort, offering a "free Rolo" on Feb 14th (while stocks last) to purchasers of the Burger-King- esque MOZZARELLA MCDOUBLE (UKP1.39), some tediously Italian- themed MCCHICKEN SANDWICH (UKP1.99), the same-as-a-normal- chocolate McFlurry-but-with-coffee-sauce-on-it CAPPUCCINO MCFLURRY (99p), and the revolting MELTING CHEESE HEARTS WITH SPICY TOMATO DIP, seemingly the product of re-tooled Chicken McNugget technology. Yes, we are aware that these are among the most cynically depressing foodstuffs that we've ever covered. But, hey, free Rolo!... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "VORE HTTP://WWW.NTK.NET/ THE FESTERING SUCCUBUS" "Cold Enhanced Steals Health Steals Armor Armor Piercing Attack" http://unweb.gamebasement.com/ NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2001 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.