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Okay, we're game. With all the usual provisos - provenance
unknown, possibility of meme-engineered publicity stunt
acknowledged, collateral spoilsporting of charity show
granted, here's an alleged transcript to that Posh and Becks
and Ali G interview. If you're not reading this, it's
already been taken down. Happy Valentines!
http://www.comicrelief.com/entry.shtml
- let's see if those referer logs get checked
http://www.footballaid.com/
- this keepy-uppy game's not bad either
Ali takes to the lavish set clad in burgundy leather shell-suit and
trademark shades and cap. Dry ice rises up around him he turns his back
to the camera to strike a pose, proudly displaying the glittering "SAVE
AFRICA" emblazoned across his back; just above a map of Italy.)
Ali: (Scratching his invisible decks)
C-C-COMIC-whoop-C-C-COMIC-whooop-C-C-COMIC-REE-RELIEF AFFRRRRICAAA!
HERE ME NOW!! - You is probably thinking why is Ali doing comic relief,
well me not only agreed to do it cos me thought me was gonna get a free
trip to see me brothas in Africa; and while me was there maybe score some
Botswanan home-grown.
Now check dis - Africa ain't just the country that gave us Bob Marley.. I
seen some documentaries about it and there's some terrible images dat's
been left in me mind.Especially tribes women with well droopy tits all
swingin' - one babylon there and one tombola down there. With your help
we can stop these shocking things now. A donation of just five pounds
will buy these people a bra, whilst a donation of thousands might just be
enough for a tit job.
But if you people out there can't really be arsed to give over your cash
money, you probably think 'I well sorry for me brethren out there and all
dat, but me worked well 'ard for me dollars and me ain't giving it to
no-one, especially dem lot sitting on their battys in the sun.
Twenty quid's probably enough for a whole year's supply of fresh water for
some African geezer but it?s enough to get me an eighth of skunk!
CHECK DIS! Friday night there's gonna be a lot of people who ain't in, so
why not drive over to their houses Get in through a window and make a
donation on their behalf!
Don't go nicking stuff on any other night, cos in some circumstances,
theft can be illegal.
By the way, if you do make a donation, I personally guarantee that not a
penny of the money that you send to Lenny Henry will go towards feeding
his missus.
Now really big it up for me guests tonight - every boy wants to be in his
boots and every man wants to be in his missus. Big up for none other than
Victoria and David Beckham!
(The Real Royal Couple appear on the stage and join Ali on the plush white
sofas. Hand-shakes and greetings follow.)
Ali: (To Beckham) "Now, just because its comic relief doesn't mean you can
speak in a silly voice. (To both) Now where did you two meet?
Victoria: We met at the football Ali: Now Beckham, what did you think of
the Spice Girls before that?
Beckham: Erm?(bashful mumble)
Ali: For real! So had you already seen a picture of her and knocked one
out?
B: What? (Wide-eyed Coughing)
Ali: What about that picture of her in the black pants with the slit in
her dress that come up well high?
Apparently that picture if you look really close you can actually see a
tiny bit of camel tuft?
(Pure shock from the Beckhams as the audience roars)
Ali: Now B, what's it like actually going out with Posh?
It must be amazing going out with a spice girl, but in an ideal world and
- no disrespect to your bitch - in an ideal world wouldn't you have rather
be with Baby?
B: No! (The look of fear growing with every passing second)
(Ali goes on to ask them why they got married only to have the question
turned back on him by a defensive Posh.)
V: Are you going to propose to your julie?
Ali: Has she been speaking to you before?
V: (Motioning backstage) Out there she was saying "You've got to get him
to propose to me."
Ali: That's why she's out there. I heard that you two got married for the
extra benefits - is that true? You thought with a little nipper coming
along you'd get a little bit more cash?
V: Well that probably had something to do with it Ali: So what does you
two do together on a night in?
V: We're pretty normal. We like sort of getting in and you know, watching
a video, a take-away, that kind of thing - your video actually!
Ali: Aiii, For real! Now does you go to watch him play football?
V: Yeah I do. Whenever I can. I like watching him play.
Ali: Now there's a really insulting song that they sing about you. Have
you heard it? What is the words?
V: I can?t repeat that really, it's pretty insulting.
Ali: (to Beck) But have you heard it?
B: No I haven't heard it.
V: Well what is it?
Ali: Well I heard something, is it about you taking it up..
V: Oh yeah yeah, ok? It's Posh Spice?
(leans forward and silently mouths "takes it up the arse")
Ali: (loudly) So you take it up the arse!
V: No!
Ali: That ain't an insult, that is the biggest compliment you can get!
V: Your just saying that cos you're a bit of a batty boy yourself.
Ali: (leaning back in his chair) You is crossing dangerous territory!
All I can say is that I wish they would sing that about me Julie.
Nah but serious, do you take it up the arse?
V: Of course I don't.
Ali: (to Beckham) So you telling me you ain't never been caught offside?
B: No!
Ali: Cos I heard you was well good at getting round the back and bending
your balls in.
V: That the way he bends it, I have to say!
Ali: Little bit of a different vibe to Parkinson eh!
Now Beckham? You play football yeah, is it sometimes embarrassing having
a shower next to all them reeeally big men?
B: No cos I'm one of them.
(Big 'Oooohhhh' from the audience)
Ali: Now before you go into the showers, so you ain't embarrassed, do you
sometimes give yourself a semi?
B: No I don't.
Ali: Not even a bit of a shake? Or other things that would work? So who
is da biggest in the shower?
B: I can't say that.
Ali: Then who is the smallest?
B: (laughs)
Ali: Is I looking at him?
V: I think you look pretty small sitting from here so you better get it
out!
Ali: I don't wanna say this, but it's so big that the BBC wouldn't allow
me to get it out, because it's so big
- even if you've got widescreen..
(To Victoria) Can you get him to get it out?
(Turning to a blushing Beckham) For Comic Relief? Will - You - Get it
out?
(The crowd?s roar reaches fever pitch)
Ali: For charity!
B: Not even for charity! I'm sorry (The ladies in the crowd give a
wistful sigh)
Ali: Now Beckham, does you reckon the better the footballer you is, the
fitter the girl you go out with?
B: Yes!
Ali: You is the best at football, ya know. So you get Posh. So does
Sporty Spice go out with someone from Scunthorpe United?
V: Oi! That's my friend and she's lovely.
Ali: Exactly! Why? Is you tryin to say Scunthorpe is not a good team?
(Crowd goes wild)
Ali: Mind you I heard a rumour she goes out with someone from a netball
team. Aiiiight! I'd like to watch dat!
(Ali, changing the subject to the Beckham family)
Ali : You is got a little nipper. Do you reckon you is good parents?
V: Yes I think so.
Ali : So when did you teach him to roll his first spliff?
V: I would never teach him that.
Ali : Why not? You should never deny a kid education.
V: Education?
Ali : Alright lets not get into the discussion. So, what's he called?
V: Brooklyn.
Ali: How d'you come up with that name?
V: Well, we found out that I was pregnant while I was on tour in America
and we was in Brooklyn at the time.
Ali: For real?
So has you actually done it there?
V: No we didn't do it there, we did it in Denmark, if you really want to
know.
Ali: How come you didn't call him Denmark?
V: It didn?t have the same kind of, you know?
Ali: That would be a well good idea though what, cos if me and me Julie
had a kid, we'd call him Langley Village. His full name would be "The
bogs in KFC in Langley Village!"
(Crowd loving it)
Ali: So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music, or is he getting a bit old
for it now?
V: Well yeah, he does like music, he jigs about and dances. He's also
into football as well, so it's nice.
Ali: Respect, respect. So how old is Brooklyn now?
V: He's nearly 2.
Ali: So tell me, is your little boy starting to put whole sentences
together?
V: He's learning the bits and pieces, so yeah.
Ali: And what about Brooklyn?
(Crowd goes wild)
(Ali, turning to more serious matters)
Ali: Is you all contented he'll grow up to be a normal kid?
V: Brooklyn?
Ali: For real.
V: Yeah. Yeah I think so, I mean obviously it's going to be difficult for
him, but um?
Ali: Cos he is called Brooklyn?
V: You're called Ali's and that's girl's name - do you find it difficult?
Ali: Ali is very much a boy's name!
V: But you know, I think we will kind of bring him up as normal as we can.
Ali: So tell me, do you want him to grow up to be a footballer like his
dad, or a singer - like Mariah Carey?
V: Yeah, I'd like him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad, and I'd
like to grow up to be a singer like Mariah Carey!
Ali: Now Posh, I know a lot of people will laugh at this, but is you
really posh?
V: I'm not, I got that name because I'd just started as a Spice Girl, you
know, Emma was dressed like a baby, Mel C was sporty and I'm mlike, nice
clothes and so I got called Posh, but I'm not really.
Ali: Me heard you was so Posh that you had to be got married before you
was pregnant.
V: No I didn't.
(Ali, miming a bump)
Ali: But before it came up.
V: I got pregnant?
Ali: Before? Or was it after?
V: I got married after I had a baby.
Ali: Respects! It's wrong to do it before.
What do you think it is that makes a girl posh?
V: I don't know, I mean what makes anybody posh. I don't know I'm not
really posh. I just like wearing nice clothes and going to nice
restaurants and that's how I got called posh.
You're pretty posh with all your gold on and all your glitter.
Ali: For real - Ali! Ah-lee Posh! Me always feel that a posh girl was
one that won't go all the way on the first night. You know, only gives
you the top half.
(Turning to Beckham) So tell me exactly how posh was she on the first
night?
B: She was posh for about four months.
Ali: Four months? I tell you, me Julie started off well posh, but after
about half an hour, she was well common!
Now David, if I can call you that, cos I never met you before, David, they
say posh people talk like they've got a plum in their mouth. Does your
missus sound posh when she's got your plums in her mouth?
(Crowd erupts and Beckham chokes with laughter)
Ali: What was you coughing up then?
(Beckham can only silently stare and meets Ali's eyes for a couple of
seconds)
Ali: Ahh, you were trying to communicate something then to me, I think
(does 'psychic look' as he touches his temples).
V: He was gonna say that you're not actually meant to speak when you've
got your mouthful so you wouldn't actually have that problem.
Ali: Respect! So you say you have to have manners whatever you're doing?
Now you is well rich right?
V: Yep!
Ali: Respect! How big is your house?
V: It's a nice house, it's nice, it's a big house. But it's a very
family, you know, very nice family house.
Ali: You actually got a spare bedroom and everything?
V: Yes.
Ali: Is you so rich that sometimes you got someone to cook your meals?
V: Nah.
B: I do that.
V: David's a good cook.
Ali: Alright, for real! But what if right, will you donate a million quid
to charity?
V: No.
B: We can?t do that V: We thought we?d do what you said earlier and break
into someone's house for Comic Relief.
Ali: What about breaking into your own house?
V: Nothing to nick in our house.
Ali: Come on Beckham, will you do it?
B: No!
Ali: Come on, don?t be stingy. There?s brothers out there dying and shit
- come on!
That's like a weeks work for you.
V: I've got an idea?
B: We don?t earn as much as everyone thinks. To donate a million pounds
would be very hard for us.
V: I've got an idea what you can do for Comic Relief, right. Why don't
you take your hat off and show the audience how long your hair's got, then
shave it off for Comic Relief!' Ali: I cannot take my hat off ? my dreads
will be everywhere. It's like the Tardis in here! So much dreads that
have been stuck in here. It cannot be taken off seriously. So?they is
some people who suddenly get loads of money who become very tasteless.
How has you two managed to avoid that?
V: I don?t know, I'm sure we're wearing things that some people look at
and think they are tasteless.
Ali: No. (to audience) They is looking well nice and that, what? Very
nice with the, er? thing on the top.
And that is made out of leather. Is that real leather? (goes to feel her
chest).
V: Yes.
Ali: That's nice. And nice boots.
(To Beckham) But you ain't got a vest on and you know your belly button is
showing.
Doofus in Audience: Yeah and he needs cufflinks as well!!
Ali: (not impressed) You what?
D: He needs some cufflinks!
Ali: Are you on crack?
(Crowd erupts and village idiot is promptly humiliated)
Ali: (to Beckham) Sorry about that.
I think a lot of people who have just got rich go out and spend their
money recklessly on things like investments and their kids? education
when they could more wisely buy stuff that will always be valuable like
very trendy clothes, holidays and haircuts? You agree?
V: Exactly!
Ali: Respect!
Now there is rumours that you used to suffer from an eating disorder.
Tell me, was you actually dyslexic?
V: I've never actually been dyslexic and I've never actually been anorexic
either, so that's just rumours.
Ali: Is you hoping to put on more weight, I mean obviously you don't want
to go as far as Sporty Spice.
V: I think my friend looks lovely and I think it's a shame how nowadays
people do judge you so much by how much you weigh and what you look like.
Any woman knows women's weight goes up and down?
Ali: For real.
V: Same as blokes do really. The thing is that the media make too much
issue of it.
Ali: that is true. And me wanna say that for the ladies out there,
increase your butty crease, you know.
Pump up your rump! Put your rocks in your buttocks - that one didn't work
quite as well!! But you know what I'm saying.
V: I know what you're saying.
Ali: It's good to hold on to some serious bit of flesh. Isn't that right?
Now Beckham, you is well handsome, you know, I ain't being batty or
whatever. So this may be a difficult question to answer, but does you
shag around a lot?
B: No I don't sleep around a lot.
Ali: Oh right, so just a bit?
B: No, not at all.
Ali: Now has you lot ever been to Staines?
V: No I've never been to Staines, is it nice?
Ali: It is the most beautiful place!
But how's about tomorrow night, you both come round me gaff, after about
nine, cos that's when me nan goes to bed. You up for that?
V: Yeah Ali: Then we?ll get me Julie round, we could eat something, maybe
some Angel Delight, get a little bit lashed and and we'll have a bath,
would you be up for that?
V: Might not fit in the bath if you're as big as you reckon mate hey!
Ali: respect. Tell you what, so come on, we could all get jiggy - have a
four header! You'd be well into that what - all headers and volleys
aiiight!
V: No, I don't think so.
Ali: Oohhh, Posh Spice.
Now you was in a band called the Spice Girls right. What ever happened to
them?
V: The Spice Girls at the moment, you know, have all got solo careers that
we're working on. We've all got families though we're still the Spice
Girls and we've got an album out at the moment. But we're working on our
own thing.
Ali: Well we love the Spice Girls, we love dat track what, "Never ever
have I ever?" (breaking into All Saints)
Sing-a-long! Sing-a-long!
V: You like that?
Ali: That was bad enough, that was phat.
So it must have been tough at the beginning though, it wasn't all
successful to start with.
V: That's the one thing about the Spice Girls - we worked really really
hard, we had to work so hard.
Ali: There must have been times before you lot was loaded, when you had to
share a hotel room together, just one little bed, probably didn't have
enough money for proper blankets, or even pyjamas. You'd have to cuddle
up close, all in the bath with one sponge?
V: It wasn't anything like that, I'm really sorry Ali: But me bet the
pizza boy come round and sometimes you didn't have the cash, and you gotta
pay for it somehow. And then you got to pay for the washing machine and
you don?t have the money for that, and then the hoover geezer comes and
you've used the hoover and all that.
V: No, I'm sorry Ali: What, not even the hoover? Ok, let's talk about a
bit of this, right - there is a lot of stuff linking the spice girls with
the occult and devil worship.
V: What's that?
Ali: Well you know, devils they're like nasty peoples, you know?
V: Yeah I know, but what are the people who worship them, what are they
called?
Ali: The Occult. Me mate Dave played one of your records backwards, and
it sounded loads better V: Are you sure that was the Spice Girls and not
(silently mouths 'All Saints')
Ali: And not??
V: (Laughing) So you reckon they sounded better?
Ali: For real. Their's is something real going on there, what!
(To Beckham) Now you is being real quiet there in the corner. Now don't
think, I mean, now this ain?t like a classroom where if you keep your head
down, I won't ask you questions. You sitting there like, you know, I seen
you hiding behind that lady! Now why do you think you is a pin-up for so
many gaylords? I'm not gonna call them batty boys now cos me is
politically correct. I mean just because you wear skirts, have a suntan
and a skinhead, talk like a girl and hang out with Elton John.
So how does it feel about being the picture for batty men?
B: You tell me Ali: I don?t know how you feels.
V: That's cos you?re a batty man yourself anyway.
Ali: Lucky I ain't carrying me Uzis on me.
Now you know like you two are copying each other, like when he has a
tattoo, you have a tattoo; when you do a booksigning, he does a
booksigning. So tell me, when he shaved off all his hair, did you do the
same?
V: No, I didn't shave off all my hair Ali: Is that true Beckham?
B: Course it is.
Ali: (To Victoria) Now seriously now, me heard you recently had a disease
of the head call Mingingitus.
V: I had viral meningitis Ali: That is well bad, so did Sporty catch the
Mingingitus? I heard she got it well bad. I heard she got a bad case of
it.
V: Nobody else got meningitis, only me.
Ali: For real. Now what's it like being such a famous couple.
V: Well you know, we just like any couple, David you know, gets on with
his football and I get on with my singing.
Ali: Are the press always trying to take pictures of you?
Does you have a lot of trouble with the Pepperami?
V: Yeah I mean, well obviously we do get a certain amount of press trying
to take photos of us, but you know, we keep to ourselves when we can.
Ali: Beckham, you must have been well heavy when you saw them pictures in
OK! of you making spaghetti in you kitchen what? I mean, how did they
get in there? They must got decent lenses, they got you when you were
looking right into them.
B: No, that was an organised shoot, but some of the others are not looking
at the camera.
Ali: (To Beckham in a loosely buttoned shirt) Do you know that your belly
button is showing?
V: I think it looks nice. Don?t you?
Ali: (to Beckham) Well, if I had to do it with a man, it might as well be
you! Like, if someone said dey was gonna nuke the whole of Staines,
unless you, you know, ball Beckham?
It?s Staines man, you know, like me nan as well. But you to me, right!
If you had to ball a man, who would it be?
B: Ummmm, probably you!
Ali: You can only say that when you is so confident about your sexuality.
So now, Beckham, lets talk about fashion? We has all seen pictures of you
wearing clothes that was well embarrassing and make you proper laughing
stock! Why do you wear that England football shirt?
B: I don?t think it's embarrassing, I'm very proud.
V: Be patriotic for goodness sake.
Ali: I is, listen, if Jamaica's playing' (to Beckham) Do you hope one day
to play for America?
B: I'm very proud to play for England, do you know what I mean. The
results haven?t really been very good over the last year or two, but?
Ali: Keeping on the fashion - What's the name of that dress that you wore.
B: Sarong.
Ali: Yeah I know it was so wrong.
V: Didn't you like it?
Ali: Yeah I do, (to Beckham) But has Posh ever said to you, don't stick it
up there, that sarong one?
B: No she's never ever said that to me.
Ali: Now me gotta say, the obvious thing for the rest of the audience here
and the country, is that we would love to see you to ball each other.
How's about right now for comic relief?
V: I'm posh, I don't do that kind of thing!
Ali: Come on, lets see your red nose.
You ain't doin? it?
V: Why don\t you get your Julie out here and you know, you?
Ali: (To Beckham) Can I ball your missus?
B: (blushing) No.
Ali: (To Beckham) Can I ball you?
B: Course you can.
Ali: Somehow I don?t think the BBC would allow that to go on the Telly
- me going into your danger area.
Anyway, we just wanna say good luck with everything - being parents, being
the footballer, being the singer.
Respect to both of you for coming along. You both is looking fine!
I gotta say, Please! Big it up for the main couple in England - POSH AND
BECKS!!
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