Need To Know 2003-12-19

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>> HARD NEWS << more "aahs" than "oohs" In the sequential access of our lives, the end-of-year marker is fast approaching, and anti-spam laws are clunking into place across the world, like big Thames Flood Barriers made of sieves. In the transnational world of spam, it's fascinating to note the regional differences in spam laws and the responses to them. In the US, the FTC is mandated to research spam "bounty hunting" for 20% of the civil reward. Such "Bayesian Dogs" will surely wander the blasted SMTP relays of our dystopian future, using their "electro-nux" to trace IP addresses and dispense justice, under the watchful eye of maverick frontier Justice Larry "Hang Em High" Lessig. http://www.siliconvalley.com/mld/siliconvalley/5725404.htm - it's section 11 of the law, stronts In the UK, of course, things are rather more formal. Three clicks deep in the Information Commissioner's website, you'll find a Word Document file which contains instructions on how to report illegal spam. After answering such technical questions as "What is the number assigned to the line you normally use to access this email account?" (they don't really get this packet-switched thing, do they?), you should print out your response, the offending spam with headers, *FOLD IT CAREFULLY* then put it in envelope and post it to the Information Commissioners office. Please enclose a sample of the penis-enlarging ointment, if purchased. http://www.informationcommissioner.gov.uk/eventual.aspx?id=95 - no, thanks. This is really helping. Cheers. And no NTK next week (it's Boxing Day, for heaven's sake), though we'll probably be back with the web's last ever review of 2003 at the start of January. Until then, a quick look at this year's other "unfinished business": while the browser- friendliness of MARKS AND SPENCER remains subject to debate, reader EDDY PARRIS was more concerned of his inability to access dabs.com with Mozilla since their "wonderful" rework a few months previously, lamenting that the site is (otherwise) "one of the best online computer stores (savastore.com is OK but not up to dabs' old standard)". RUSSELL CRONIN faces a chilly Christmas (or a trip to the Post Office) after finding his Mac can't access his BRITISH GAS house.co.uk bill online, "due to the operating systems used by Macintosh computers", a spokesman was kind enough to let him know. But there's light at the end of the tunnel, at reader TIM reported that the ROYAL MAIL have responded to scathing criticism of their poor site usability [see NTK 2003-08-22], and have provided a detailed (and accessible) Consignia site-map - apparently by accidentally deleting one of their index.jsp's. http://www.house.co.uk/ - those G3s must give off a lot of heat though, surely? http://www.royalmail.com/gear/consignia/portal/content/html/ - grabbed at http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohpo.gif http://www.ntk.net/index.cgi?b=02003-08-22&l=41#l - of course they had a secret, usable version all the time >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious danger! danger!: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbeag.gif ... impartial BBC: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohhunt.gif ... Blue Peter viewers forthright in "what to do with Saddam" debate: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbp.gif ... Rumsfeld no stranger to persuasively repetitive interrogation technique: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohprof.gif ... even easier than it looks: http://www.xfm.co.uk/Article.asp?id=12288 - vs: http://www2.xfm.co.uk/staticweb/EdFeatures/flipflopquiz/datastor.js ... good advice: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohhold.gif ... we're sure there's another one-man show in this somewhere: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohgor.gif ... "Buyyyyyy Meee", backwards: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohdev.gif ... fresh hell is this: http://www.ntk.net/2003/12/19/dohbristol.gif ... MI2G "derives continuous inspiration" from famously stable old contraption: http://www.mi2g.com/cgi/mi2g/press/171203kh.php - vs http://www.monbiot.com/dsp_article.cfm?article_id=628 ... >> EVENT QUEUE << GOTOs considered non-harmful Of course, one attends the major social events of the season not so much to see who's there, as to "be seen" - which presents something of a dilemma regarding tonight's INQUIRER OUT OF FOCUS GROUP (from 6ish, Fri 2003-12-19, The Marquis of Granby pub, 52 Chandos Place, London, WC2N) - if you'd like to get crossed off The Register's Christmas Card list - and THE LONDON 2600 XMAS PARTY (from 7.30pm, also Fri 2003-12-19, "Be The Reds" Korean-style cybercafe, 39 Whitfield Street, London W1T) - where one of the biggest gaffes imaginable is ignoring someone's "handle" and asking, "No, who are you *really*?" http://www.oofg.com/gallery/ - sufficiently *in* focus to identify many attendees http://www.london2600.org.uk/ - used to be "Cyberia", for those with very long memories >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering CD installs OK, cut scenes are fine, the graphics engine impressive in places, but it looks like those hoity-toity PC programmers forgot just one little thing: something we old- fashioned reviewers like to call "gameplay". Oh, hang on. Ah, right - this is actually a DVD compilation of some of the winning flicks from the MACHINIMA FILM FESTIVAL 2002 (they're not called "Quake Movies" any more from the looks of things, because, well, they're not all made with Quake, for a start). It's a broad snapshot of the state of the art at that time (so no Halo-based "Red Versus Blue", for instance), ranging from the crude 1999-era cop spoof "Rick Jones 2" (director's motto: never use a cut transition when a whip-pan will do), via some slightly wacky short features (plus director interviews and commentary), to clips of the feature-length cut-scene sci-fi re-assemblage "Anachronox" (more of a hit than the Ion Storm game it started off in?). The fact that they're easier to make than conventional animation can mean some of the output slightly overstays its welcome, but UKP15 (inc p&p, no region coding, PAL or NTSC) gets you about 90 mins of introduction to the sort of thing that's currently possible (at least till the full version of "Anachronox" comes out on disc). http://www.machinima.com/displayarticle2.php?article=380 - or just download a gig's worth of mpg's http://www.redvsblue.com/archives/000141.shtml - a medium slightly more suited to the action genre, we feel http://www.pressplayontape.com/default.asp?pid=front - ideal Xmas gift for the C64 game soundtrack fan http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000163WGW/needtoknow0e - and coming soon on DVD: complete series 1 of "Press Gang" >> MEMEPOOL << contains a source of http://snackspot.org/ this Newtonmas, why not build someone an ELECTRONIC TUNNELLNG MICROSCOPE http://sxm4.uni-muenster.de/stm-en/ or a UWB radar: http://www.uniroma2.it/fismed/faculty/Stadero/papers/osee.pdf ... or for those who have everything, tell them how you really feel: http://www.iglooworm.netfirms.com/formreallycool.html ... watch an old black and white film: http://ascii.mabot.com/ ... settle down in front of an old comedy repeat, like LIFE imitates ONION: http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/12/09/1070732175663.html vs http://www.theonion.com/onion3539/national_funk_congress.html ... play a half-hearted, aging parlour game like random URL roulette: http://www.deepsea.force9.co.uk/tinyroulette.html ... sing the old songs: http://www.cthulhulives.org/Solstice/ (before ESR appropriates them as a critique of Christian Socialism: http://www.ibiblio.org/esrblog/index.php?m=200312#135 ) ... and stay sad: http://www.buttafly.com/originals/friendster2.php ... but happy: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/leon.stringer/space-age-xmas.html >> GEEK MEDIA << get out less TV>> Charlie "TVGoHome" Brooker writes, directs - and no doubt chose to narrate - "How To Watch Television" on THE ART SHOW (7.30pm, Fri, C4)... the original FREAKY FRIDAY (2.30pm, Sat, ITV) hails from an era where the destruction of police cars was considered cutting-edge entertainment... Madonna goes all "Will and Grace" in THE NEXT BEST THING (11pm, Sat, BBC1)... and Kate Winslet writes novels, discovers cure for Alzheimer's disease as YOUNG IRIS MURDOCH (9.25pm, Sat, BBC2)... Arnie's role in JINGLE ALL THE WAY (3.30pm, Sun, ITV) seems unlikely to make his list of AFI'S 100 HEROES AND VILLAINS (9pm, Sun, C4)... and C4's list obsession continue with THE 100 GREATEST TV TREATS OF 2003 (9pm, Wed, C4) and THE 100 GREATEST MUSICALS (9pm, Boxing Day, C4)... we still shudder at the VR car chase in the book of Tom Clancy's NETFORCE (9pm, Mon, C5) - not sure if their "NF" logo will be such a hit over here... set your video for a fun double-bill of Sex Pistols hagiography THE FILTH AND THE FURY (12.15am, Mon, C4) and Ethan Hawke's HAMLET 2000 (2.20am, Mon, C4)... then Russell Crowe takes a swing at Big Tobacco in the hard-hitting THE INSIDER (11.05pm, Tue, ITV), arguably the highlight of a bunch of movie premieres that includes tired Western-fu SHANGHAI NOON (9.55pm, Wed, BBC1), French animation BELLEVILLE RENDEZ-VOUS (7pm, Christmas Day, BBC2), the frankly irritating AMELIE (9.15pm, Christmas Day, C4), and yet more Owen Wilson in extended Emo Philips sketch MEET THE PARENTS (8.30pm, Boxing Day, BBC1)... the Cook'd and Bomb'd forum reveal what *really* happened to those "leaked" scripts for THE OFFICE (10.15pm, Boxing Day, BBC1) http://chilled.cream.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20038 ... as the season of goodwill staggers to a close with overdesigned 1984-adaptation BRAZIL (1.30am, Sat, BBC1) plus affectionate sci-fi-fan satire GALAXY QUEST (6.50pm, Sat, BBC1)... FILM>> so the public can't stand annoying CGI character Jar Jar Binks, but can't get enough of the (equally irritating) Gollum - another of the mysteries unresolved in the *3-hour- plus* fighting fantasy LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/lotr-returnoftheking.htm : talking trees; tale of sorcery; excessive cleavage; frequent and repeated graphic views of many unholy creatures; sparse dress on male character, repeatedly)... Jamie Lee Curtis is funnier than you might expect in bodyswap remake FREAKY FRIDAY ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/freakyfriday2003.htm : three young boys donning a teen girl's brassieres then one of them rubbing the cups saying "o-o-o, o-o-o"; on Anna's bedroom door she had a sign which read "Parental Advisory: Keep Out of My Room". Professionally prepared, of course. While the bedroom may be Anna's bedroom, it is her mother's house)... but Saturday Night Live's magnificently bonkers Molly Shannon heads the bill in daft dogs-from-space anthromorphism GOOD BOY ( http://www.capalert.com/capreports/goodboy.htm : flatulence; subtle homosexuality suggestions; dogs were intoxicated with laughing gas; The concept of dogs as superior or even equal to man is in direct violation of God's Word that clearly directs that He gave us dominion over the animals [Gen. 1:28]... such a portrayal is contaminating to the youthful development of an understanding His Will, even if we as adults might feel it ridiculous to think so. If you choose to go to see this movie with your kids I ask that you make sure your young ones first understand God's Will regarding dogs)... CONFECTIONERY THEORY>> in the last two weeks, we've seen things you wouldn't believe over at http://www.snackspot.org/ - drinks made of Aloe Vera, Basil Brush Chicken Boom-Booms, an inexplicably unadvertised Cadbury's "Banoffi" bar. Yet who could have suspected that the boldest offence against nature would have come from one of our own - the pioneer known only as KAPTAIN KOROLEV who, wishing to see a "Mars Christmas" (like a standard Mars but with "marzipan replacing the toffee" and "fruit cake in place of the soft nougat"), took matters into his own hands - with shocking, yet appetising, results: http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0312100935sbc ... none of the "official" Xmas tie-in sightings are really in the same league (eg, LINDT CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATE, filled with "smooth hazelnut and a hint of cinnamon and coriander", or the pricey - yet pungently fragrant - SENSATIONS NUT CLUSTERS http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0310122250cas ), though McDonald's have revived their TERRY'S CHOCOLATE ORANGE MCFLURRY, and Starbucks have unveiled a range variously described as "truly indulgent" and "truly luxurious" - their choice euphemism for "no nutritional information provided": http://starbucks.co.uk/en-GB/_Favorite+Beverages/Christmas+Beverages.htm ... non-seasonal innovations of the month have included the relaunch of FOX'S POPPETS as "Ballsy Little something or others", ORBIT PROFESSIONAL chewing gum (45p per futuristic pack of 10), and almost an entire week's worth of strawberry- themed sightings from STUART CAMPBELL, including the new NESTLE STRAWBERRY MATCHMAKERS WITH "BLACK PEPPER" FLAVOURED PIECES: http://www.snackspot.org/index.php?offset=21 ... but this is also a time to look to the future as well as the past, with advance alerts being issued for HOBNOBS FLAPJACKS, KFC's SMOKEY BLUE TOWER BURGER, FANTA APPLE SPLASH, DIET COKE WITH LIME (US only?), ROBINSON'S SQUASH FOR MILK (a fruity squash you add to milk, obviously), and a still-rumoured UK launch of the allegedly all-too-colourful PEPSI BLUE - as our coverage enthusiastically concludes, "Start checking your stools today!": http://www.snackspot.org/thread.php?story=0311031130daa#upcoming >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "presumably has no idea we always do this" http://www.chuzpe.us/archives/000208.html NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe or subscribe at http://lists.ntk.net/ NTK now is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2003 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Full license at: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/1.0 Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.