Need To Know 2000-12-22

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"Hackers are smart. If you say to users 'watch out for this time of year,' the hackers will wait until right after this time of year..." - the clued-up GRAHAM CLULEY, senior technology officer, Sophos [ http://www.zdnet.com/zdnn/stories/news/0,4586,2665640,00.html ] ...But the hackers, being smart, know that I know that they will wait until right after this time of year, and so when you say "watch out for this time of year", they will attack at this time of year to take me by surprise. But now they know that I know that they know this, which means - hey, what happened to our mailserver? >> HARD NEWS << logged yules It's almost Newtonmas, and time to provide a list of gift ideas for the more difficult members of your extended online "family". First up, congratulations to those who cracked the ideal present for self-righteously smug weekly high-tech updates for the UK. After our revelation of the contact address for anally-obsessed plebiscite WWW.AGEOFCONSENT.ORG.UK [NTK 2000-12-08], imagine our delight when a viral e-mail mutated into an accusation that *we* were the sinister Web experts behind Baroness Young's inquisition. For the last week, we've been the happy recipients of demands to remove personal details from our sickeningly prejudiced poll, sent by people who can't be bothered to read past the first three lines of www.ntk.net. Unsurprising gift-givers included a fistful of AOL users, and Emma Warren - who is, entirely appropriately, the "Hype Editor" at The Face Magazine. Those wishing to remove themselves from this growing database of gullible, knee-jerk activists should contact us at the usual address. Those still wishing to complain to real creators of the Age Of Consent site should skip all these long words, and click on the URL at the end of this piece. God bless you all. http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html - or protest to your MP about this "invisible killer" http://www.ntk.net/?back=2000/now1208.txt#HARD_NEWS - had it been oral sex, we'd have got way more coverage Of course, there's one gift every gentleman appreciates: compliments about the size of his genitals, distributed to around 4 million readers. And so to Cliff Stanford and his seasonal first-time appearance in the kiss-gargle-dettol-and- tell News of the World. Accompanied by a paparazzi snap of Cliff and two "strippers", the piece related in appetite- removing detail the ex-Demon founder's saucy antics, as told to the paper by Natalie Turner, 24. Despite Cliff's insouciance at his notoriety (as expressed in a Guardian follow-up piece), there's no indication whether the NotW are planning further reports on the "demon lover"'s adventures, assuming their disk quota is up to it. We'll settle for the comments of our most cynical correspondents; that the bit they found hardest to believe was where Cliff actually paid for the champagne. http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/4119778 - "I don't normally post to demon.local, but after I met..." http://www.mediaguardian.co.uk/newmedia/story/0,7496,413407,00.html - look, if the Guardian covers it, it must be real news Sadly, the perfect present for KEVIN WARWICK didn't quite make it out the labs. One of the ideas mooted for the webcast of this year's Royal Institution Christmas Lectures involved affixing a wireless "KevinKam" to the side of the man-machine symbiont's head. Thrilling though the chance to see the world through Kevin's eyes would be (complete, we imagine, with scrolling 6502 assembler and reminders to Serve The Public Trust), the sudden realisation that this would make him look *exactly* like KWW's "Reading of Warwick" droid appears to have stayed Kevin's augmented hand. Rumours that the project was nixed because it would provide viewers with one media channel guaranteed free of Warwick's own image are to be discounted. Repeat, discounted. http://www.kevinwarwick.org.uk/ - ...yes, yes, mirrors. Move along. http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/22/dohanano.gif - my beautiful creation... nothing but - a machine! And finally, for the Webmaster who has everything, except maybe the latest security patches: subscriber Drage (who "can neither condone nor endorse website defacing") points to the latest stunt of regular Web hax0r EVIL ANGELICA: personalised Web vandalism. Mail webhack_competition@cow-tipper.com with a zipped archive of the message *you'd* like to convey to a loved one, and next time EA is trashing a valuable piece of dotcom-property, she'll insinuate your message onto their front page for free. No guarantee is given for the location of the takeover, but it might be sensible to request that no .mil sites be involved. Last date for Christmas gr33tz is tomorrow, so throw away the spellcheck and start bouncing on that shift- key now. http://defaced.alldas.de/hacked/2000/12/22/www.accessallfinance.co.uk/ - accessallareas, more like (ho ho ho) http://observers.net/angelica.html - slapstick violence, partial animated nudity, potty humour >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious IRAQ buys 4000 PS2s: www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_148960.html ; TESCO simultaneously obtain 2500 from a "secret location": http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_149263.html ... "The older the boy, the more likely he was to have had sex", finds: http://www.cnn.com/2000/HEALTH/children/12/20/health.sex.reut/ ... DEJA.COM reverts to Usenet archive... right Millennium, wrong CENTURY: http://www.101cd.com/orev01.asp?s=&title=800925 ... your licence fees at work (again) - challenge is to create your own HTML pages in the URL that it'll serve back to you: http://www.bbc.co.uk/webguide/servlet/start?pathinfo= ... all mail to one-news@webfusion.co.uk cc'd to 25,000+ WEBFUSION customers... jovial disclaimer: http://www.baileys.com/ vs http://imagine.cammail.net/gencert/gencert.pl?name=Getting+Shitfaced ... http://www.dvdplus.co.uk FALCO - who'd have seen that coming? http://www.guardian.co.uk/internetnews/story/0,7369,380864,00.html ... can't TRUST this: http://www.ntk.net/2000/12/22/dohtrs.gif ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful "Now, where have I seen that before?" writes YOZ GRAHAME, of the parody ADSL banner we ran a couple of weeks ago. "Oh yes, at http://yoz.com/party/ ". After the problems we had with the "ageofconsent" site [see above], we feel we should emphasise that the info on Yoz's site should _not_ be confused with the details for the OFFICIAL NTK/ LONDON 2600 NEWTONMAS SOIREE, which has now been confirmed from 5pm-11pm, Sat 2000-12-23, at the "Webshack" cybercafe, Dean St, Soho (and if you do somehow turn up in Hendon in July 1998, you really deserve everything you get). Those seeking a respite from Christmas shopping (or any other aspect of their lonely, pointless lives) are invited to join us for a glass of mulled cola and premiere viewing of some new T-shirt designs, with additional entertainment in the form of an acoustic set from MJ HIBBETT (the "Hey Hey 16K" guy); "tribute DJ" act SLIMBOY FAT (who plays all the same records that Norman Cook would, in the *same order*); plus some sort of net quiz that London 2600 are organising, possibly entitled "Who Wants To Dump A Million Shares?". http://www.daveg.dial.pipex.com/menu.html - "R: Tape Loading Error": Unplugged http://www.streetmap.co.uk/streetmap.dll?grid2mapi?x=529633&y=181174 - Yoz beats us to the amusing "CERT Advisory" invite, too >> TRACKING << sufficiently advanced technology : the gathering DOPEWARS has been sitting in the Tracking slush tray for far too long: a simple text-based depiction of street-level drug dealing, it started out as a crack-level-addictive single- player DOS game, and has now spread, via its more addictive multiplayer version, to the affluent suburbs of Linux, Win95 and Palm. We've always postponed plugging it on the grounds that everybody seems to be habituated already: thanks then to underground code-chemist SHANNON LEE, who has customised the server for a more decadent age. Download the original, play until you've had it with puny chemical highs, then point your client to commonhouse.net, port 7902. Jet to it! http://bellatrix.pcl.ox.ac.uk/~ben/dopewars/ - the first hit... http://www.beermatsoftware.com/dopewars/ - ...is always free >> MEMEPOOL << hasta la altavista INFORMATION *seems* to be free, whether it wants it - or not: http://www.cyberpunkproject.org/lib/ ... from the upcoming DR WHO COOKBOOK: http://www.chthonic.f9.co.uk/stavros.jpg ... Zoe Ball beats DEBIAN to Woody release... (now expired) RSA patent number - 4,405,829 - is PRIME... *our* Christmas Number 1: http://www.diffusionuk.freeserve.co.uk/bob.htm ... crazy CATS: http://www.linguafranca.com/print/0012/cover_pet.html vs http://www.schizophrenia.org/artist.html ... CHRISTIAN Mills & Boon: http://www.nubianromance.com/ ... BUSH still updating http://www.satirewire.com/weblog/bushblog.shtml despite "demands" of new job... best viewed with a PORN-enabled browser: http://bugzilla.mozilla.org/show_bug.cgi?id=32627 ... caution - Freedom: First Resistance may "kill your monitor": http://www.oldmanmurray.com/longreviews/freedom/ ... STAN LEE http://www.fuckedcompany.com/comments/index.cfm?newsID=5166790629 in trouble - could maybe sue BT CELLNET for use of Silver Surfer-like character in TV ads?... BBC imitates TVGOHOME: http://www.bbc.co.uk/choice/microtv/fifteen/15films3.shtml ... >> GEEK MEDIA << oops, forgot last week's www.tvgohome.com TV>> disappointingly, Absolutely Fabulous reunion/remake MIRRORBALL (9pm, Fri, BBC1) isn't a big-budget version of the similarly titled C4 series which profiled pop video directors like Chris Cunningham and Spike Jonze - though it does feature an aspirationally omnipresent composite called "Cat Rogers"... C4 reasserts its claim to the Orwellian namespace with a back- slapping tribute to its own "broadcasting phenomenon", BIG BROTHER NIGHT (from 9.05pm, Sat, C4), though viewers with any sense will be voting for top cop drama LA CONFIDENTIAL instead (9.05pm, Sat, BBC2)... and perhaps inspired by the baffling scheduling of TIM BURTON'S THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (11.20pm, Sat, ITV) - presumably they thought it was a Freddy Kruger film - it's a weekend of non-stop harrowing action and horror, including Primal Scream beatnik chase VANISHING POINT (11.55pm, Sat, BBC2), super-compatible computer virus shoot- em-up INDEPENDENCE DAY (8.30pm, Sun, BBC1) while, seeing in Christmas morning with a bang, there's psychic-kid-killer thriller THE FURY, turgid plane crash agony FEARLESS (1.10am, Sun, ITV), Steve Martin mental-illness-comedy MIXED NUTS (1.10am, Sun, C4), and something called EXPERIMENT IN TERROR (12.45am, Sun, C5)... the fun continues on Christmas Day in extended working class massacre TITANIC (5.45pm, Mon, BBC1), Eastwood stalker classic PLAY MISTY FOR ME (10.30pm, Mon, BBC2) and psycho classical music mayhem HILARY AND JACKIE (9pm, Mon, C4)... with the mood lightened only by NAKED GUN 2 1/2: THE SMELL OF FEAR (11.50pm, Mon, BBC1), THE LAST FAST SHOW EVER (9ish, Tue-Thu, BBC2), plus disappearing Ed Burns' THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN (12.10am, Mon, BBC2) and SHE'S THE ONE (9.55pm, Tue, BBC2) - possibly based around the Waterboys song subsequently covered by Robbie Williams, or vice-versa... FILM>> Leoni - quirky! Cage - wigs out! in pedestrian "It's A Wonderful Life" alternate-reality knock-off THE FAMILY MAN ( http://www.screenit.com/movies/2000/the_family_man.html : We see [Tea Leoni's] mostly obscured body through the smoked shower glass door, but can easily see the shape of her body, including her breasts when she turns sideways. She then opens the shower door and [Cage] averts his eyes after seeing her nudity - we don't see anything but her head and shoulders) - not based around the Mega-City Judge code-phrase or "The Family Guy" animated series; though, as Entertainment Weekly http://www.ew.com/ew/archive/1,1798,1|30064|0|family_man,00.html astutely points out, the poster does seem to be peculiarly influenced by "The Exorcist"... so, there's just time for our painstakingly selected round-up of NTK's Top Ten Movies Of 2000 That We Thought Probably Wouldn't Appear In Anyone Else's Top Tens: 10. GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS, 9. FINAL DESTINATION, 8. THE INSIDER, 7. CHARLIE'S ANGELS, 6. ROAD TRIP, 5. AMERICAN MOVIE, 4. PITCH BLACK, 3. BRING IT ON, and 2. GALAXY QUEST - making our film of the year, of course, modern-day "man-whore" comedy classic DEUCE BIGALOW: MALE GIGOLO... with a special mention for the following films that we didn't see, but which everyone says are great: THE FILTH AND THE FURY, LAKE PLACID, POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE, and MEMENTO (we don't _remember_ seeing this one, but it definitely has Carrie-Anne Moss in it) - plus RED PLANET (which we did see, and was terrible, but has Carrie-Anne Moss in it)... so it only remains to name and shame this year's big-screen disappointments (in no particular order): AMERICAN BEAUTY, AMERICAN PSYCHO, TOY STORY 2, NEW ROSE HOTEL, ERIN BROCKOVICH, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH, MISSION TO MARS, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2, THREE KINGS, GLADIATOR, HIGH FIDELITY, X-MEN, SHAFT, THE HOLLOW MAN, anything made and/or set in the UK, plus the widely unacclaimed BATTLEFIELD EARTH: http://www.lermanet.com/reference/BatEarthfaq2.htm . No-one ever sent us an Icelandic VHS of the Mitnick movie TAKEDOWN either, come to think of it... CAUTION, MAY CONTAIN TRACKS BY COLDPLAY>> ie our traditional end-of-year round-up of free magazine CDs - excellent low-cost gift ideas which, when you factor in online time, price of burning blank gold discs etc, are fast becoming the only ones that are vaguely worth buying. Q MAGAZINE's typically pompous "The Best Tracks From The Best Albums Of 2000" (UKP2.90) sets a high benchmark, with a decent dance mix of U2's "Beautiful Day", The Bloodhound Gang's porn tribute "The Ballad Of Chasey Lain (Bloodhound Gang Mix)", something bearable by Toploader, and Johnny Cash's jaunty country cover of U2's "One" (which, as readers DAVID MCNICOL and MARTIN LING have pointed out, is almost note-for-note identical to Craig David's "I'm Walking Away" - McNicol theorising that no-one else has mentioned this "in order to encourage the continued rise of UK Garage into popular culture"). KEVIN CECIL also spotted that Q's Radiohead track isn't "Idioteque" at all, but something else from Kid A, the band maintaining their "awkward" reputation to the last... elsewhere under "Pop and Rock", SELECT (UKP3.60) says goodbye with an eclectic indie selection including The Lo-Fidelity Allstars, Kelis (also appears on the Q one), The Fall, the censored version of Woodbine's rockin-St-Etienne "Neskwik", The Bloodhound Gang's extended "Relax"-based Falco tribute "Mope" http://www.ntk.net/?back=2000/now0602.txt&line=244#l , plus Atari Teenage Riot's "By Any Means Necessary", part of their ongoing http://www.petitiononline.com/atroasis/ bid... and TOP OF THE POPS' CHRISTMAS CRACKERS TOP POP PARTY ANTHEMS, while good value at UKP1.80, is some weird dual-format disc that didn't play properly in our CD-ROM drive - and it's not the good version of Daphne and Celeste's "U.G.L.Y" either... MIXMAG (December)'s LA MUSICA TREMENDA (UKP3.20) easily beats the rival dance offerings of MINISTRY's DANNY RAMPLING'S FRIDAY NIGHT HOUSE MIX (UKP3.50) and MUZIK's perhaps over- specific THE CHRONICLES OF HARD HOUSE ACCORDING TO TIDY TRAX (UKP3.25) - largely by including the occasional track that you might have heard of - though bear in mind that almost all of the above (including the Q and Smash Hits ones) compulsorily include Moby's "Porcelain"... which just leaves the more specialist curios. Ignore DAZED AND CONFUSED's appalling "Gorillaz" promo (UKP2.95) - unless you actually enjoy Nathanic body copy like "Prompted by the war in Kosovo, this film mixes Run Wrake's surreal animations of people and violence with a soundtrack by Howie B" (p48). LATER magazine's THE LATER LOUNGE 2 (UKP3.10) is, according to reader NIGEL FORD, "not as good" as their first one, and ends up as a surprisingly gruelling 21-track odyssey of trendy ad music and obscure spy themes... instead, using the heuristic "the _less_ trendy the magazine, the cooler the CD" points you towards ESQUIRE's shockingly interesting MUSIC FOR THE FAST LANE (UKP3.40) - Underworld, Coldcut, Laurent Garnier etc - and, finally, UNCUT's reassuringly unfashionable MORE SOUNDS OF THE NEW WEST (UKP3.50), whose undifferentiated mournful Emmylou Harris "New Country" wailings might just sum up your seasonal period only too well... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "Am I self-referential - or what?" http://www.iamcal.com/ami/index.php?site=ntk NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2000 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.