Need To Know 2001-06-22

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------------------------------------------------------ PROB-BITCH PROB-BITCH PROB-BITCH PROB-BITCH _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ __ ___ | |__ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__ | '_ \| '__)/ _ \| '_ \ __ | '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \ | |_) | | | (_) | |_) |(__)| |_) | | || (__| | | | | .__/|_| \___/|_.__/ |_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_| |_| the probabilistic gossip email - 22.06.01 *issue 0.75* statistically uncorrelated with http://www.popbitch.com This week: * Pop singers, TV presenters, soap stars - do they TAKE DRUGS? * Does listening to Bryan Adams make you a serial killer? * Exclusive: the Daphne and Celeste/Hitler connection Plus "predicted chart positions", obtained via the amazingly clairvoyant method of TYPING IN THE MID-WEEK CHART POSITIONS FAXED TO THE MUSIC PRESS EVERY WEDNESDAY ------------------------------------------------------ Statistically speaking, almost 50% of MALE ROCK STARS have genitals which are larger than average, assuming that by "average", we are referring to the precise arithmetic mean, rather than the mode or the median. At the same time, the other 50% have genitals which are almost all *smaller* than average. Either way - unusually large (or small) genitals! I mean, HOW FREAKY IS THAT? Chances are, ANY CELEBRITY YOU CAN THINK OF - or someone close to them - will have taken illegal drugs at some point, especially if you define "close" as "within 20 miles". Experts blame high showbiz incomes, a possible inherent insecurity in those drawn to the performing arts, and, most worryingly of all, a "culture of conspicuous consumption" prevalent in modern-day Western society! Exclusive: DAPHNE AND CELESTE are both related to Adolph Hitler, self-appointed "Fuhrer" of the Third Reich, in a vaguely tangential manner. Sophisticated DNA analysis has proved that all humans share the same basic genetic material (this being part of the definition of a biological "species"), even despicable Nazi dictators and cuddly female pop stars. Talk about 6 degrees of separation! Which past-it pop bands could be "dropped" by their record companies very soon, unless their next records do particularly well? Astonishingly, it's ALL OF THEM - many acts have been signed up on "contracts" for a pre-specified duration (or number of albums), agreements which can eventually be "terminated" if either party changes their mind! Exactly how many BRYAN ADAMS fans might turn out to be serial killers? Probably no more than those of any other reasonably well-known musician with broad international appeal, but still, it could be more than you think! And, while we're on the subject, exactly how many serial killers might turn out to be BRYAN ADAMS fans? Probably no more than those of any other reasonably well-known musician with broad international appeal, but still, it could be more than you think! Are animals funny, or what? If you're one of our readers who seems to find merely the word "monkey" unaccountably amusing, then check out this news site, which uses it several times. Monkey, monkey, monkey! Tee-hee! http://www.ananova.com/news/index.html?keywords=Monkeys Just discovered erotic fan fiction or fake nude pages, but mysteriously lack the ability to search them out yourself? Then check out this Buffy fan site - with a difference! (Apparently the Internet's *rife* with this sort of thing!) http://www.gothicform.clara.net/buffy/fanfic.htm And finally - from anonymity to immortality: word is it's "extremely unlikey" that, after a successful stint in a B-list boy-band, both JAMES BULGER murderers plan to pursue careers as light entertainment presenters in children's TV. "Friends Like These" might never be the same again! ------------------------------------------------------ "Apple, fearing the negative connotations of having its brand identity connected to the Church of Satan, forced it to cease using them..." http://www.macworld.co.uk/news/main_news.cfm?NewsID=3028 ...unless they'd like to invest, oh, $150 million? >> ANTI-NEWS << berating the obvious in accordance with NTK prophecy, slow news week, REGISTER- style: http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/19878.html , http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/28/19759.html ... BBC news online - tough on crime, tough on the reporting of crime: http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohkill.gif ... "too much reality" TV: http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohbro.gif ... MOONFRUIT appears *again* in last Saturday's "Jobs and Money" GURADIAN, in story on how to deal with "employee whinging"... the soothing alternative to "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy": http://www.jnj.com/who_is_jnj/background.html ... "conGENIAL"? is this a promo site for the new David Cronenberg movie? http://www.femgenab.org.uk/ ... "I can't seem to get my Tab key to work on my Palm Portable Keyb- oh, hang on, that's better": http://www.palm.com/support/faq/keyboardfaq.html#17 ... NETSCAPE meanwhile having problems with "t" key (count 'em): http://www.compsoc.man.ac.uk/~sirhc/advert.gif ... http://www.theinternetrose.com/ "temporarily down" for quite a while now... "This site has a lot of information" - BUT WHERE? http://www.talash.net/indus_net_technologies_partnering_beourpartner.htm ... the sinister conspiracy to fill up your WINDOWS disk space: http://fuckmicrosoft.com/content/ms-hidden-files.shtml ... female pop stars get behind popular DVD ripping software: http://www.astuk.com/products-by-keywords/divx-encoder.html ... also, the guy in the picture still has his trousers on: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/health/newsid_1399000/1399412.stm ... >> EVENT QUEUE << goto's considered non-harmful In case you're not bored of all this awards nonsense by now, "2001 will see BIMA get back to its roots of representing and celebrating work from the new media sector", proudly announces the BRITISH INTERACTIVE MEDIA ASSOCIATION - raising the question: what the *hell* were they trying to do before? Anyway, they'll be picking the winners from their inexplicably Argos-dominated shortlist next Thu (2001-06-28, Shoreditch, London E1) - "by more than halving the cost of past ticket prices [to UKP60], companies will be encouraged to bring most, if not all, of their creative and production staff", the site fondly imagines. Alternatively, there might still be time to join the anarchistic nominations free-for-all over at THE NEW STATESMAN NEW MEDIA AWARDS (closing date today, 2001-06-22), where users are apparently encouraged to submit their site under as many different categories (and different spellings) as they can think of, only mildly distracting in the case of EverythingEducation.org - or "EvertyThing Educaiton", as one entry prefers. http://www.consider.net/nominate2001.php3?Nomination_Category=Education+Award - "Communities" features "The 23 Forum", another.com... http://www.bima.co.uk/awards2001/ - non-ironically god-awful Flash invite too http://www.net-media.co.uk/awards/shortlist.asp - padding out "Internet Journalist Of The Year" once again >> MEMEPOOL << oogle that google under-the-skin implant research abandoned, over fears of fulfilling Biblical prophecy about the "mark of the beast": http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=23268 ... challenges include keeping a fire going, staging a fashion show, and purging the area of religious or ethnic minorities: http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_335019.html ... http://www.boycotttheusa.com/ ...TOMB RAIDER = new "Avengers": http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=9326 ... hardly the A-Team van: http://www.biff.org.uk/dave/cert.jpg , is it?... this week's novelty nonexistent action figure - it's MICHEL FOUCAULT: http://www.theory.org.uk/action.htm ... this week's dumb CGI tricks: http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/ , http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/ ... this week's novelty Java 3D FPS: http://www.brackeen.com/home/scared/ ... brutally honest A&R: http://www.ntk.net/2001/06/22/dohjunk.gif ... songs of the Manic Street Preachers, as sung by THE SIMPSONS: http://freespace.virgin.net/graham.allan/manics/ ... nice buns: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/jonward/toaster/ ... modern-day alternative to "man bites dog" newsworthiness-test: http://www.apbnews.com/newscenter/breakingnews/2000/07/27/dogrape0727_01.html ... "this is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, integrating my acceleration with respect to time...": http://www.geocities.com/CapeCanaveral/Hangar/9825/problems.html ... >> GEEK MEDIA << the back-at-last http://www.tvgohome.com/ TV>> BBC1 wheels out yet another interchangeable love-and- deceit-among-a-posh-family-who-live-in-the-past drama THE CAZALETS (9pm, Fri, BBC1)... SOUTH PARK (10pm, Fri, C4) replaces "Frasier" with the year-old "Tooth Fairy" episode anachronistically featuring a Dreamcast - and what happened to "Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000", listed by some as the first of season 4?... while the amusingly named Jon Snow rehashes the same old boring arguments in DRUGS LAWS ON TRIAL (6.30pm, Sat, C4) - hey, if they legalise narcotics, who do you think the military-industrial complex are going to go after instead? ... film of the week is the-clue's-in-the-title hilariously Capra-esque mild-Charlize-Theron-nudity parable THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (9pm, Sat, BBC1)... a tough night ahead for William Petersen, battling forensic mysteries in CSI (8.05pm, Sat, C5) and Marky Mark Wahlberg in FEAR (11.20pm, Sat, ITV)... and "Machines have made us the only animal that can exceed its natural speed limit", reckons SPEED (8pm, Sun, BBC1), ignoring the famous counter-example of a cow pushed off a cliff... we could be wrong, but WORLD OF PUB (9.50pm, Sun, BBC2) outwardly resembles a remake of Sky's "Time Gentlemen Please", but with Kevin "Simon Quinlank" Eldon instead of The Pub Landlord, and Phil Cornwell instead of Phil Daniels... it's back to familiar ground for C5 with Rutger Hauer thriller BONE DADDY (9pm, Sun, C5) plus Mario Van Peebles "Terminator" knock-off SOLO (9pm, Tue, C5) - both last shown June 2000 - though BBC1 stays in the running with alternate reality sequel THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT 2 (11.35pm, Wed, BBC1)... while C5 re-iterates its commitment to factual educational programming with two new tech shows, the self-explanatory WWW.SEX (11.05pm, Thu, C5) as well as DOWNLOADED (11.35pm, Thu, C5), the latter being an animation showcase hosted by experienced Flash programmers Trevor and Simon... FILM>> just in time to cash in on all the anti-Disney publicity, advance previews this weekend of SHREK (imdb: computer-animation / dragon / castle / curse / disneyland / donkey / ethnic-cleansing / fairy-tale / flatulence / friendship / knight / magic-mirror / magic / ogre / parody / princess / quest / rescue / spell / talking-animal / wedding / blockbuster / canceled-wedding / fairy-tale-parody / fart / green / nazism / racism / belch / exploding-bird / lava- filled-moat / onion / rope-bridge / swamp)... after "Junior", "Twins" and "Kindergarten Cop", Ivan Reitman, the master of ineffectual biological body-horror, ineptly remakes his own "Ghostbusters" in scientifically incompetent CGI showreel EVOLUTION (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/evolution.htm : crotch hit with further attention to the male crotch; rear male [Duchovny] nudity; homosexual joke/insult; attempt to strip to underwear - female; entire theme based on evolution; revelry). Features a baffling scene where Duchovny announces the military have taken "all the jpegs" off his PC - but left the other image formats intact?... or a couple of bedsit Brit-movies, with Juliette "Natural Born Killers" Lewis inexplicably popping up in gay Egyptian flatshare curio ROOM TO RENT (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : passed '15' for strong language, moderate sex and sexual references)... plus almost- Glaswegian-accent-free Scottish "Clerks" knock-off LATE NIGHT SHOPPING (http://www.bbfc.co.uk : strong language and moderate sexual references) - that bloke from "I'm Alan Partridge" and the Archers and Wrigleys ads, that bloke from the "One2One" stalker ad from a couple of years ago, and Nigel from 4later's "Vids" - together at last!... ADVERTS THAT SOUND LIKE WELL-KNOWN POP SONGS, SONGS THAT SOUND LIKE OTHER SONGS, AND THE OWNERS THAT LOVE THEM>> yup, you don't need a degree in forensic musicology to spot that "Sing" by TRAVIS sounds like their previous monsyllabic imperative "Turn", combined with everything else they've ever done (while, confusingly, the chorus of "Turn" by FEEDER sounds just like "Ordinary World" by DURAN DURAN), but only DANIEL BUTT cared enough to notice that "Take Your Carriage Clock And Shove It", the B-side to BELLE & SEBASTIAN's new "Johnathan David" single, is "an absolute rip-off" of chart-topper "I've Never Been To Me" by CHARLENE (for which our favourite gag remains: "Things a woman isn't supposed to see? How about the exact time and manner of her own death? No-one likes seeing that")... increasingly obscurely, the "noodling guitar chorus" of the TURIN BRAKES single "Underdog (Save Me)" (recently charting, with a bullet, at no. 39) reminded DAVID MILLINGTON of THE FARM's "Groovy Train", while PAUL TAYLOR, apparently not confusing it with SHAGGY's more openly derivative "Angel", accused WHEATUS' "Teenage Dirtbag" of lifting its whole rhythm section from STEVE MILLER's "The Joker". "Teenage Dirtbag" is of course the track in which Radio 1 currently censor the line "he brings a gun to school", while also refusing to give the full name of WEEZER's "Hash Pipe" (calling it "H Pipe" instead), much to the disappointment of fans of associative arrays... the individual known only as "h0l" thought we might like the "live bootleg gorgeousness" of comedy cover-fiends MR BUNGLE's version of the "Zelda Theme", complete with lyrics: ftp://mirror.support.nl/pub/mono/drfetid/zeldab.zip ; MOP's "Ante Up" album track constitutes, we believe, the most blatant use of Defender samples in a hip-hop tune so far; and an, er, ANONYMOUS TIPSTER revealed that the backing track to the new trailer for PS2 Halflife "desperately, urgently, hideously, absolutely needs to sound like Block Rockin' Beats, by the CHEMICAL BROTHERS"... also in ads, NICK DRAGE thought "parts of" http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/11/_hate_dept.html "sound awfully like the music from the Hula Hoops advert set in a disco"; "the music from the Sugar Puffs secret agent advert is quite clearly meant to be DAVID ARNOLD's reworking of 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'", reported PHIL MURG, cryptically adding "You'd think they'd be able to afford the real thing seeing as they don't have to pay Henry McGee's salary any more"; and thanks to all of you (well, DERREN D PHILLIPS, anyway) who wrote in explaining why we won't be hearing the MANICS' "Ocean Spray" in any cranberry juice adverts any time soon [as hypothesised in NTK 2001-05-11]: http://www.nme.com/NME/External/News/News_Story/0,1004,17826,00.html - though we maintain that if their next album features a close relative poignantly passing away while attired in clothes from The Gap, then we'll be suspicious... >> SMALL PRINT << Need to Know is a useful and interesting UK digest of things that happened last week or might happen next week. You can read it on Friday afternoon or print it out then take it home if you have nothing better to do. It is compiled by NTK from stuff they get sent. Registered at the Post Office as "Ant Attack t-shirt ahoy!" ("Liquid News", 8.30pm & 1am tonight, BBC Choice) NEED TO KNOW THEY STOLE OUR REVOLUTION. NOW WE'RE STEALING IT BACK. Archive - http://www.ntk.net/ Unsubscribe? Mail ntknow-unsubscribe@lists.ntk.net Subscribe? Mail ntknow-subscribe@lists.ntk.net NTK is supported by UNFORTU.NET, and by you: http://www.ntkmart.com/ (K) 2001 Special Projects. Copying is fine, but include URL: http://www.ntk.net/ Tips, news and gossip to tips@spesh.com All communication is for publication, unless you beg. Press releases from naive PR people to pr@spesh.com Remember: Your work email may be monitored if sending sensitive material. Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.