NTK in association with the Brighton Stalker-Tourist Board presents
sing-along-a
EPISODE ONE
killer.net home | contribute
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Scene 2: about 00:02:30. Scott is in bed. Susie: Scott? Scott? Are you up? Scott! It's after 8! |
They're students: so why are they getting up at 8 in the morning? |
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Scene 3: about 00:03:00. Bathroom altercation. Joe: We're out of coffee, bread, marmite and eggs... |
...and I need new pants too, because in this shot, it looks like we're both NAKED! |
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Scene 4: about 00:03:15. Camera roves across "student" flat. [Rock music] |
[try singing the theme from "Get Stuffed" to this backing, and you'll see where they got the exciting "yoof" camerawork from...] |
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Scene 5: about 00:04:00. Zooming off in Red Ferrari. Joe: Hoover bags, oven cleaner, J clothes, spray polish... |
In case you're wondering why the blond guy (Joe) has been yelling so much, making his friend wear a Charlie Manson T-shirt, menacing his flatmate with a knife etc, it all becomes clear - he's Ferris Bueller! |
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Scene 6: about 00:04:20. Ferrari pulls into "Staff Only" space. Joe: The key is, to stagger your housework... |
...or perhaps he's a lecturer. Have you ever met students this obsessed with doing housework? Maybe they're both dashing off to a seminar in Domestic Science... |
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Scene 7: about 00:05:10. Scott explains his electric shock "experiment", the phone rings. Teacher: Just one moment... |
...it's the real world, explaining that ethics committees nowadays would never let you try and replicate the Milgram experiment, because it involves deceiving the subjects in a highly traumatic fashion. [btw, the briefly obscured paper says "Issues In Ethics" at the top] |
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Scene 8: about 00:05:25. The teacher flicks through Scott's project. Teacher: This is OK, have another go, let me see it tomorrow... |
...and put some bigger pictures of electric chairs on the front, will you? |
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Scene 9: about 00:06:00. A bustling computer room. [Everyone is downloading porn, playing Terminal Velocity at an appallingly slow frame rate] |
If this was a real computer room, there'd be more NetTrek. Also, it's Alt-Tab to swap between Windows apps, not Escape. |
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Scene 10: about 00:07:00. The cafeteria. Joe: [after talking about household chores] Come and join us! [to some girls] |
We're reliably informed that "Students don't dress like that", particularly referring to the girl in the orange: "No way." |
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Scene 11: about 00:07:40. Back at the house, and at last, the housework! [More appalling Get Stuffed-style larking about] |
...this time, clearly a homage to the "Hello, Yellow Pages - you might just be able to save my life" ad where they've had a big party and the table's got scratched. |
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Scene 12: about 00:08:15. Scott takes off T-shirt. [Already we've had more gratuitous torso than most Take That videos] |
...oh, and indicating that these guys are genuine psychopaths, watch for two Carmageddon posters on the wall behind, plus one for the Channel 4 Sitcom Festival. |
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Scene 13: about 00:10:15-10:45. In a "nightclub". [with fruit machines and Namco Point Blank?] |
...and, speaking of Take That, what a great piece of acting from the "DJ". The future's not bright - the future's not Jason Orange... |
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Scene 14: about 00:11:00. Joe and Scott argue, then he goes off with the blonde girl Joe: C'mon Scott, it's been months! |
...he cheats on his girl - because she doesn't drink Hooch [tm]! |
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Scene 15: about 00:11:45. In a quieter bar. Scott: You know Timothy Leary... |
...gratuitous counter-culture reference, gratuitous close-up shot of breasts! |
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Scene 16: about 00:13:00. On the bridge of The Enterprise. Scott [in chatroom]: Neuromancer, wow... |
...gratuitous counter-culture reference, gratuitous monitor shots of breasts! |
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Scene 17: about 00:15:00. More incoherent chatroom babble (and no-one's mentioned warez or mp3's once!). Rich Bitch: Lucky 4 some, me 2. |
...he's talking to Prince! |
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Scene 18: about 00:15:20. Establishing shot of, as if you hadn't guessed... Sign: PALACE PIER |
...in case he hadn't realised: there's only two piers in Brighton, and one is completely deserted. Weirdly, she's picked the one that isn't. |
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Scene 19: about 00:16:00. On the pier. Rich Bitch: We met earlier, right? [Scott just continues staring open-mouthed at the JetSki machine] |
...More Namco product placement! It's almost "Killer Net - in association with PacMan!" |
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Scene 20: about 00:17:30. In Scott's room. [after list of Gibson's "latest" novels] Scott: But Neuromancer's best! |
Generally gives the (incorrect) impression that talking about science fiction is a good way to pick up girls. |
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Scene 21: about 00:18:00. Joe's room. [Joe comes back...] |
...Susie appears to be idly, but appreciatively, flicking through "Naked Torso" magazine. |
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Scene 22: about 00:19:30. Joe stumbles across Charlotte (naked) in the bathroom. [Camera lingers on tattoo on Charlotte's back, as if it was going to have some huge significance later on, or...] |
...it's a map of where to find Dryland! |
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Scene 23: about 00:19:30. Computer room. Scouser: There's no way you can do an electronic trace if they haven't been online since then. Have you tried posting messages on the newsgroups? |
...yeah, like alt.fan.gibson? Generally, what the hell is this "electronic trace" he's talking about? Anything like a "search engine"? |
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Scene 24: about 00:22:50. The "Techno Bar" (in case you didn't get the idea) [Jason and Charlotte have a staged fight, then she pickpockets his sunglasses. The Barman turns to Scott.] |
...I'm telling you, that's how it happened. Tia Maria. |
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Scene 25: about 00:24:20. Scott's room. [Charlotte explains "the rules", Scott just gasps passionately] |
...she's left the modem online! My phone bill's gonna kill me! |
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Scene 26: about 00:25:17. The corridor. Joe [still naked]: I'd appreciate it if you'd... keep the sounds down. |
Flat Nazi! She's lucky he didn't ask her to join in with some housework! Note also how Charlotte avoids bathroom-stranger embarrassment with Susie by walking ridiculously slowly. |
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Scene 27: about 00:26:00. The kitchen. Susie [clothed]: Aw, look at you! Do you want a coffee? |
...look at you indeed, Scott, in your proud nakedness, with your hands barely covering your genitals! DO YOU NOT OWN A SHIRT, OR JUMPER? |
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Scene 28: about 00:29:00. The cafeteria. Joe: Look, I know it's none of my business, and you can tell me to go and "get stuffed" if you want... |
...Get Stuffed! Get Stuffed! A self-referential nod to the influences on their early camerawork. This is like Scream 2 or something! |
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Scene 29: about 00:29:45. The steps to Scott's flat. [Charlotte is bleeding from her nose and mouth] |
...that bloody cat! |
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Scene 30: about 00:30:20. Scott's bed. Charlotte: You should get a soundcard and a microphone as well... I'll set it up for you, I'll need to get inside the processor... Scott: Can you do that? |
...for once, Scott asks exactly the right question. It's arguable whether this is genuinely misunderstood terminology (some people, after all, use "processor" to mean the main PC box), but otherwise it sounds like she's going to prise the lid off his CPU and solder the sound card direct to the silicon. Too many Gibson short stories for you, young lady. |
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Scene 31: about 00:31:20. Inside Scott's PC. Charlotte: I've changed the IRQ... |
...since she supposedly symbolises the "darker side" of human nature, Charlotte dislikes Windows 95 and "plug and play". |
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Scene 32: about 00:32:00. Scott's sexy PC screen. Charlotte: Do you understand what you're seeing? |
...Ropey compression artefacts? The Surfwatch start-up screen? Microsoft Internet Explorer mysteriously missing a URL in the address window? We just like the classic note of desperation that everyone falls into when trying to demonstrate the Net. |
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Scene 33: about 00:33:50. Susie's bedroom. Charlotte: These aren't even a handful, but my nipples still look like bullets when I get aroused. |
Fear not, this is the worst line of this episode, if not of all time. Cynics may note the reckless seizing of yet another breast-exposing opportunity, and that Charlotte's diversification into relationship counselling follows endless complaints abo ut... the housework. |
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Scene 34: about 00:35:30. The kitchen. Joe: She didn't want to get into a scene, Scott. Said she was just moving on... |
...to start a Bob Dylan tribute band? |
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Scene 35: about 00:37:30. The Techno Bar again. [Scott walks in, everyone stares at him] |
...I'll have a Babycham! Seriously it does look like one of those ads that concludes, "Sometimes it's a nightmare trying to get decent technical support..." |
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Scene 36: about 00:39:30. A backstreet. [Scott finds Charlotte, again surprisingly easily, this time shagging a member of Take That in return for a Kit-Kat that's got all squashed up in his pocket] |
...Brighton, eh? Small world! |
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Scene 37: about 00:41:20. A hotel corridor. Jason Orange [bearded and looking very pleased to be delivering his big line at last]: You, get lost now. |
...it's Matthew Corbett! |
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Scene 38: about 00:42:50. Joe delivers the package to Scott's room. Scott: It's a microphone and soundcard for the computer. |
...he's been running that huge-screen PC without any kind of soundcard. Where'd he buy it, the 1980s? |
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Scene 39: about 00:44:00. Scouser "fixing" PC. [Reggae music fills the soundtrack, indicating drug use] |
...Hello? Yes, you're though to the Apple corporate marketing division... |
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Scene 40: about 00:45:00. Scott's room. Sexy Sadie: C'mon baby, do you want me to fondle my big, big... |
...bandwidth, because that's the only explanation for the high frame-rate video and 44Khz sound? NB: We believe the character is called "Sexy Sadie" as a playful namecheck for Lynda La Plante's spiritual soul-sister, cyber-philosopher Sadie Plant. (Well, that's the most likely explanation for her weird fake-American accent, anyway.) |
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Scene 41: about 00:47:00. Susie returns. [and trips on a floor littered with junk] |
...PORN - ENEMY OF HOUSEWORK! |
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Scene 42: about 00:47:20. Disgusted, Susie tries to wake Joe. Susie: Joe? |
...They've wanked themselves to death! (Best of all, Susie's - semi-naked - reaction to this news: "You've got exams in two weeks...") |
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Scene 43: about 00:48:30. Susie's outburst at table. Susie: I hate it in Keats ward, all those old geriatrics... |
...as opposed to young geriatrics? |
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Scene 44: about 00:49:50. Sadie offers to send Scott a CDROM, Scott asks if she can "upload it". Sadie: Not this sort: it's hard - copyright rules. |
...and exactly which Internet would this be, where "copyright rules" hold sway? |
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Scene 45: about 00:50:00. Intro to really quite a promising attract mode sequence. Sadie: The game is called... Killer Net. |
And, despite all its other faults, the show does end with someone saying its title, which there isn't enough of nowadays. Wouldn't it be great if, at the end of the first Indiana Jones film, he turned to camera and said: "But that means that we are the Raiders Of The Lost Ark"? Exactly. |