NTK in association with the Brigton Stalker-Tourist Board presents
sing-along-a
EPISODE TWO
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About 00:00:00. Opening titles. [Previously on Killer Net: some jerky FMV from some rubbish PC game, plus the notoriously sexually exciting puzzle game, Tetris...] |
...god, yes, that big long column, stick it in my huge, waiting gap! It fits so good! (etc) |
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About 00:00:30. Opening titles. [more appalling frame rate on that game which we reckon started off as Terminal Velocity, but then didn't Micro$oft buy it up as a Win95 demo and rename it Fury or something?] |
...and aren't those the sound effects from Defender? |
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About 00:01:00. Opening titles. [camera scrolls lovingly past pic of topless girl, to reveal what we always knew - wankers use Internet Explorer] |
The image URL concludes "\Photo2\25.gif (local)", indicating they're not getting this porn directly off the net after all. Maybe it's a picture of their mum... |
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About 00:01:30. The best opening line to any campus comedy, ever. Lecturer: Since when have grotesquely inflated mammaries been part of your coursework, Mr O'Reilly? Scouser: ...according to .net Magazine, 75 per cent of the Internet is used for pornography. |
The current issuse of .net says they told the show it was more like "90 per cent". Though subsequently, in a personal email, editor Richard Longhurst retracted this, claiming it was "a joke". Like the rest of the mag then, eh Rich? |
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About 00:02:40. Explains nature of "experiment" to guy who's going to go in the chair. Scott [to Joe]: So far, I've only got that nerd, and you. |
Surely the point of this whole "How far would you go in electrocuting someone?" study is that the volunteers don't realise that the victim is acting? But now everyone (including his only subject, Joe) has seen what he's got planned. What a fucking good experiment that's going to be. |
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About 00:03:00. Housework-mad Susie is making Scott's bed. [...and some silver foil falls out! Susie sniffs it - suspiciously] |
...secret late-night Kit-Kat eating? So that's what all the noise was. Or maybe Charlotte used to shrink crisp-bags into tiny versions of themselves in the oven... |
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About 00:03:48. Girl is painting lawn-chair black to make it look more sinister (this is, presumably, supposed to be funny...) Scott: I don't suppose you'd take part in the experiment, would you? Girl: No... |
See above. Jesus Christ. |
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About 00:04:30. Scott comes home to lovely house, Susie flirts with him. Susie: There's mail for you there, from America. [Scott gazes at package, clearly in awe] |
...obtained via that evil Internet, it's mail-order smack! |
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About 00:05:22. CDROM self-installs (very fast) to reveal the arch-villain from BBC TV series, "Bugs". "Bugs" man: Welcome to Killer Net, UK. |
...thank god, a nightmarishly disturbing sex-stalker game that's available in localised versions! |
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About 00:06:40. "Bugs" man talks through game in manner of sexually aroused Gamesmaster. [On screen]: Are you ready to play? Yes/No. |
...what does it do if you click "No?" Play through the attract mode for Sega Night Trap again? |
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About 00:07:40. And here are the luvvly girls hoping to go on a 'Blind Date' tonight... "Bugs" man: She is Tracy... she is Judy... |
...so where's what I really need, the rocket launcher? |
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About 00:09:40. Game starts - though with no disc accessing at all... [map appears, footsteps slowly stalk around streets] |
...it's based on the ZX Spectrum classic, Ghostbusters! |
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About 00:10:30. Game continues, player goes into shop. [excited gasps on soundtrack] |
...I was wanking while I videoed this. |
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About 00:11:04. Blues Brother statuette peeps playfully around corner. Joe: Jesus Christ, I thought it was someone breaking in. |
...no, just popping down to the fridge - for a nice cool heroin! |
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About 00:11:20. By the fridge. Scott: It's taken me hours to get it sorted. |
Well, at least that's a realistic depiction of installing games software on your PC. |
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About 00:12:10. Back in Scott's room (with heroin-filled duvet?) Scott: I've found out where she lives, her route to work, what time she leaves, and what time she gets home. |
...that's not stalking, it's camping! |
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About 00:12:40. Girl walking forwards, seen from front - incidentally, surely implying that the stalker is running backwards? Scott: I can't go to stage two until I've completed the first section. |
Wow, they really have researched their video games, haven't they? |
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About 00:14:00. More shots of girl's feet. [now filmed from a view that looks like he's just popped out of a manhole, then from above...] |
...this cyber-stalker can fly! |
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About 00:15:30. Quicktime VR bit with the wall. [Scott swiftly solves the first puzzle, despite wheezing like a dying asthmatic] |
...stand on crates, watch the pretty ladies - it's Duke Nukem! |
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About 00:16:20. Joe sniffs duvet (for drugs?) Joe: Scott! Get up, it's 9.30! |
Oh, how things have slipped from episode 1, when they used to get up at 8... These crazy students, with their lie-ins of anything up to an hour and a half... |
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About 00:18:00. Joe "tries out" the electric chair. [appalling semi-seduction scene] |
...and don't try and wriggle out of this one, Joe, because I've blu-tacked the chairlegs to the floor... |
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About 00:19:10. Long "research" scene. [Scott scatters murder books all over library desk, seemingly without disturbing his fellow readers] |
...if only there was an official "Killer Net" tips line! [Then you need to sing the theme from Ghostbusters again. You know why.] |
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About 00:21:00. Scott looks at actual locations to try and solve game. Scott: They've even got a shoe-shop. |
...and a convenient on-street pick-your-own hammer store! Generally, this whole plot is like trying to build a real-life DoomWAD (or Super Mario World) in order to give yourself a competitive advantage in the game. Wonder why we don't see it more... |
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About 00:21:30. Scouser going to lecture with Joe. Scouser: Tell Scott that Rich Bitch was on the net again last night... oh shit, I've lost me briefcase. |
Either the most ridiculous out-of-nowhere plot-point ever, or a subtle warning from the script that, hey kids, drugs screw you up. |
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About 00:22:00. Scott in hardware store. [Proprietor appears, bathed in glowing red light] |
...spooky enough for you, Sir? |
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About 00:22:30. Scouser near tasteful "experiment" poster. Scouser: Put me name down for that would you? I could do with some cash. |
Right, he's the college drug dealer, and he's desperate for seven quid? Not exactly Miami Vice, is it? |
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About 00:26:00. Joe hands Charlotte huge wad of cash. Joe: C'mon, it's all I have. |
...let's convert it all into tokens for Namco AquaJet and the fairground. |
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About 00:29:00. Endless game exposition - he should get a PlayStation, the learning curve's usually way faster than this... [wheezing on crates is now even louder] |
...the Force is strong in this one! |
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About 00:29:40. Preparing the murder. Scott: The shellsuit I'll wear when I'm committing the murder... |
...and the police will be searching for someone working class! |
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About 00:31:00. Girl stops in alleyway. Girl: Are you following me? [Possible replies appear on screen] |
...it's a Lucasarts game! Anyway, try "HIT GIRL WITH HAMMER". Oh, OK. How about "HIT GIRL USING HAMMER"? Well, at least it's got a "save game". |
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About 00:32:00. Quite unpleasant murder scene. [Look away. We did.] |
...why yes, Holmes - in a public place, with a screaming victim, and blood flying all over the place. He thought he'd committed - the perfect crime. |
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About 00:35:00. Scott continues trying to impress girls with his nutty serial killer chic. Scott: Don't you find it fascinating, the way a killer has to analyse every move he makes, plan it down to the last detail? ...If you think about all the killers that are in prison right now, they all went through this mind-game. |
Well, obviously not, Scott. That's why they got caught. |
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About 00:36:10. 10 hours later; brief 'homage' to Shallow Grave. Scott: ...cover it in quicklime, maybe shove some debris over it. |
...don't they ever talk about housework any more? |
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About 00:38:10. Still fruitlessly trying to find the hidden sub-game of Pacman... "Bugs" man: This will put you in good stead for stage 4. Do you wish to continue? |
...it's another trick question Scott. Go on - you've got this far by knowing that when the game asks you if you want to continue, you click on "Yes". |
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About 00:36:10. Coming up with an alibi. Scott: If I log on and change the time, I can make it look as if I was at home working... at the time of the murder. |
...yeah, that'd stand up in court. Oh well, and the rest of the game had been so realistic... |
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About 00:39:30. Interviewed by police. [Quite a nice wobbly head effect on the policeman. But I digress.] |
But, if it's like the rest of the game, it's all going to be multiple choice anyway. "Did you do the murder?" Click on "No", Scott. Click on "No"! |
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About 00:40:00. Endgame sequence. [Fireworks burst on the screen] |
Isn't that off Melbourne House's disturbingly-titled Spectrum Scramble-clone, Penetrator? |
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About 00:41:00. Laser Zone! [Not only have they found one that's still open, they're actually wearing Paintball-style masks while playing...] |
...to avoid the risks of inhaling stray photons? |
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About 00:43:00. Jason Orange's arcade nightclub. Scouser: She's flamed yer - called yer a wanker in all the newsgroups! |
...all the newsgroups? There's some cancelbots that'd have a few things to say about that. |
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About 00:43:30. PC screen. [phew - not "all" the newsgroups, just "alt.bin.edu.brighton.sex"...] |
...presumably one of those (many) alt.newsgroups devoted to binaries of students from some American university, also - coincidentally - called Brighton. Having sex. |
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About 00:44:00. Scott wanders aimlessly. [Mournful music fills the soundtrack, he's sick in a cab, then sits at home fiddling with his computer. The police look at him strangely, even his parents suspect "something's wrong".] |
...yes, that's how it is, when you've been flamed. You're worried that all those alt.bin.edu.brighton.sex readers are going to come up to you in the street and say, Girlie Show-style: "You're Scott Miller - wanker of the week!" |
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About 00:49:00. In the tunnel. [dog snuffles around playfully, music builds dramatically - and a body is found!] |
Jesus, those laser zone games are more dangerous than we thought. |