NTK in association with the Brigton Stalker-Tourist Board presents
sing-along-a
EPISODE FOUR
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About 00:20. Opening titles. [PC Pam Boxer walks around - with both mysteriously arms intact] |
Yeah, we know. In the guide to Episode 3, we reckoned the actress had broken her arm. But apparently these scenes were filmed before then. Also, note how labour-intensive it seems to be videoing all these victims in advance. Why doesn't the Killer Net guy just get on with it and murder them? |
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About 01:20. ‚olby emerges from Police Station, blinking in the bright sunshine - like a real PC user! DI Colby: He's acting like he's... PC Boxer: ...guilty? DI Colby: No, scared. |
...scared - of what? Of being guilty, perhaps? |
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About 02:10. Colby goes to "Tracey"'s house. [He rings the doorbell.] |
...Nooo! You'll be spotted! Lose 20 points! |
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About 03:30. University Lecture Theatre. [Big picture up on the overhead projector.] |
...someone has sent this excellent drawing of Psi Judge Anderson to the 2000AD letters page, and Tharg needs their address to send them their "Galactic Groats"... |
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About 05:50. Scruffy's Interview - so far we've already had impromptu (and largely wrong) explanations of those hip net terms "flaming" and "spam". Collingwood: How did he react? Scruffy: Well, he went ballistic... |
Guy taking notes: Ballistic - of, or resembling a bullet, Sir. Used by young people to mean "extremely agitated", or "angry". |
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About 06:20. Joe's Interview. Collingwood: You were trying to get rid of the books and videos... why did you do that? [Joe smokes nervously.] |
Collingwood: The tortoise is lying on its back, but you're not helping, Leon. Why is that? [It's the Blade Runner homage moment he's always waited for - he goes on to say "Tell me about... Heather Ringwall." It's "Tell me about your mother, Guv! Tell me about your mother!"] |
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About 08:15. Police PC screen with "Tracey" on it. PC Boxer: Oh, she "made contact" in 1996, aged 16. |
...with aliens? Cool. Anyway, note Pam's right arm again. That's the one she broke, and it's nowhere to be seen. |
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About 09:10. Boxer and Colby patrol office for no reason. PC Boxer: Miller's very bright. What if he's using the game to get away with murder? |
...Yes, bright enough to write and market an entire CDROM game as an ingenious alibi for that time when he nipped out and killed his ex-girlfriend with a hammer? It's nearly as good as the legal argument in Basic Instinct: Miller couldn't have done it, because he's too obvious a suspect? |
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About 09:45. Spooky Man blatantly filming PC Boxer's house - oops, he's been spotted! Lose 20 points! Old lady: Are you making a film here? |
...yeah, it's "The Making Of My CDROM Game Killer Net", and I reckon I can get it shown on Movies, Games And Videos. In fact, as we soon discover, he's doing an amateur asthmatic DVC version of "Through The Keyhole", made possible by the fact that - like all experienced coppers - Pam leaves her front door completely unlocked. |
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About 11:10. Susie opening mail. [Looks shocked at phone bill, though presumably she's actually pleasantly surprised, as it only comes to one page - amateurs] |
...well, at least we're saving money now they're getting all their net access at the Police Station... |
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About 11:30. At Police PC [hey, how come no-one's made that gag yet?] Consultant: We're just trying to find [Sadie]. [Scott moves hips, sensuously.] |
...no luck as yet, but the research sure is fun! [oh, and: ARM! ARM! Pam Boxer's ARM!] |
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About 11:30. Back at the flat. Susie: He lied to me. I know it, because... because we didn't have sex. [Colby comes over, concerned, then looks at her in a very strange way.] |
...at the time, did you and Miss Ringwall perhaps enjoy - how shall I put this? - swapping wallets? [Colby's reactions are a joy to watch in this next sequence, especially when it turns out that, despite being a dangerous murder suspect, Joe at least has the decency to not sleep with menstruating women. Susie is also fantastically useless - when, after all the things she's seen as a nurse, she finds nothing scarier than a man who "said he was delivering pizza - but he didn't even have any."] |
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About 16:20. Spooky Man still in Pam's flat. [Just sits there clicking the switch.] |
...the light goes on... the light goes off... the light goes on... the light goes off... Let's just hope she doesn't try tuning in her PlayStation or VCR while that Video Sender's going, or she'll think it's that stunt off Noel's House Party... |
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About 18:10. Exciting email arrives for Scott. Collingwood: Mr Miller - did your flatmate play Killer Net? |
...and what does Guv Collingwood this cool new piece of evidence from the real killer? He ignores it! Check the headers, guv! They could contain a clue! |
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About 18:30. On the rugby pitch. [Scruffy ducks literally seconds after the ball bounces off his head - those drugs must really slow down your reactions.] |
...and straight out of the director's great big book of Movie Cliches, next it's: Chariots Of Fire... |
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About 20:50. Visiting the man from the Soup ad. [Warhol art, pink shirt, vaguely camp manner, herbal tea...] |
...they're subtly hinting that this man may be a homosexual. Also, what kind of actor is surprised by the fact that they made him say his lines "over and over again"? |
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About 26:10. Joe's interview, kicking off with the remarkably incisive "Did you suggest any specific type of hammer?" Collingwood: Have you ever lived in Dublin, Mr Hunter? Joe: No. Collingwood: Would you be prepared to take a blood-test, Mr Hunter? |
...for Guinness? |
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About 27:00. Joe's interview ends with Collingwood's suggesting that he gets a solicitor. [Cuts to man banging drums.] |
Order! Order in court! |
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About 27:30. In film studio. Studio man: It was good, like a prototype... said they went out of business, back in 1986... |
1986? What were they developing for? Amiga CDTV? Or the Sega Mega CD? A bit early for both, frankly - no wonder they went bust. |
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About 29:20. Old guy gives totally non-stereotyped description of the suspect. Old guy: An odd bloke, very much a loner, no family that I ever knew of, don't think I ever saw him with a woman... |
...apart from all those girls he hammered to death, of course. |
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About 31:10. Joe and solicitor are interrupted. Solicitor: Joe, when you just said you didn't want to start everything again, were you referring to your friendship with Miss Ringwall in Dublin? |
...or the game? |
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About 32.20. Joe leans on table. Joe: I couldn't commit. Not in the way she wanted... |
...commit murder, that is! ANYWAY, so now we find out this is all part of some ingenious revenge plot by Charlotte/Rich Bitch, presumably expecting us to believe that, of all the chatrooms in all the world, she just happened to pick one chosen at random by his flatmate, while dialling in from a bar... |
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About 33.20. Colby leaves old guy with a cool line he's been trying to work in to the conversation... Colby: He's into a different game now - murder. Old guy: Well, they are the number one bestseller - the more grisly, the better. |
...yeah, that and the Football Management games. Generally, this could not be more wrong - at the time of writing, the top-selling titles (across all formats) were Gran Turismo (racing), Tomb Raider (platformer), and, er, Resident Evil 2 (zombie slaughterfest). But half the time it's driving games, or footy games, or - even less violently - something off the Nintendo 64. |
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About 34.10. Joe's emotional TV plea. Joe: She said that flaming Scott was nothing compared to what she'd do to me... |
...what, like subscribing you to lots of high-traffic mailing lists? |
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About 37.00. Susie and Scott on sofa. Susie: I feel sorry for you, and I feel sorry for me, and I feel sorry that this whole thing happened... |
...well, surely that's an understatement. How about sorry that we had to put up with all that electric chair experiment/missing briefcase stuff which, it now appears, was just there as some sort of "comic relief"...? |
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About 37.50. Colby's still out in the field. Colby: You say a guy called John Dome rents this place? |
...sure, we've solved the murder - all I have to do now is find out who's writing this filthy software and publishing it without BBFC certification... |
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About 42.20. Colby's chummy chat with Scott and Susie. Colby: Exactly. [Clip of Charlie's face, then Colby says, as if to some off-camera f/x person:] Thank-you. Cheers. |
...I'm just having a gradual realisation: Jesus Christ! I bet he even sends their colleagues videos of them in the shower! |
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About 43:00. Spooky man on pier. Spooky Man: He's at the back. By the puppets. [Looks meaningfully back to shore.] |
...I think you'll find it's scarier there... |
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About 46:00. Press conference. Collingwood: This game can be purchased on the Internet... do not attempt to play this game... |
...Carmageddon, however, is fine. |
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About 46:20. Joe in jail. [Moody indie music] |
He must feel stupid - if he'd waited a bit, the Killer Net bloke would have killed her for him! Oh, the murderous irony of it all... |
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About 47:30. Scott climbs up on roof. [Music builds to a peak...] |
...could you turn that down please? I'm trying to study up here! |
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About 48:00. Scott throws his monitor off the roof. [It explodes in arty slow motion] |
...yeah, smart move, Scott. Next time you want to symbolically destroy a PC, try trashing the box with the processor and the hard drive in it. |
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About 49:00. Final shot of new studio. Host: Welcome to Killer Net USA. USA. USA. |
Pray that this isn't a set-up for a sequel. In case the subtle localising details didn't tip you off (the accents, the huge flags), that United States had better watch out - Britain's least successful perpetrator of elaborately over-complicated multimedia murders is headed their way! |